Saw a house on zillow with a built-in wine fridge and it’s no longer for sale, so that will always be the one that got away
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Sharks have to keep moving so their creditors can’t find them.
Lawyer: I’d like to introduce my star witness
Astronomer: Hello
The quarantine has changed me. I am now a make the bed every day with all 15 pillows kind of person because I have the time and some sort of primal instinct to cozy my nest and I’m thinking maybe my ancestors were actually velociraptors because, also, I bite now.
[at park, walking puppy]
Stranger: ‘Aww such a cutie…how old?’
Me: *blushing* ‘Thank you. 49.’
make your life more efficient by cutting out the middle man. quit your job. kill your friends. throw your food directly into the toilet.
cicadas cotton eyed joe
🤝
where did they come from?
where did they go????
[Psychiatrist’s Office]
ME: So do I just lie on the couch over here?
PSYCHIATRIST: Actually this works much better if you tell the truth.
she wears short skirts, I’m googling the symptoms of gout. she’s cheer captain, and I have gout
Jesus was the original child star who fell in with the wrong crowd and died young.
I picked up three XL pizzas and the woman there gave me two napkins like I was going to eat them in my car, and I think I just met my soulmate.
The main difference between barbers and land mine sweepers is that if the barber takes a off a foot or two, he’s having a GOOD day.
4th grade student: How old are you?
Me: Quite a bit older than you.
Student: So like 23?
Me: Deal. Tell all your friends.
If you think a 30 sec ad is bad try waiting until news at 11 to “find out what’s been poisoning your family”
People in Arab nations are still wondering what all the western world hub bub about hump day and camel toe is about.
John Hammond: We’ve got miles of electrified fence to keep the dinosaurs in and the guests safe
Me: Awesome so there’s no chance one disgruntled employee could disable them all with minimal effort right?
John Hammond: Haha what
I saw a dating profile that said “No felonies” but I am not sure if that meant her or me.
[4:30 AM]
Wife: I thought I told you to rock the baby to sleep
Me: *turning down Enter Sandman* What does it look like I’m doing, Karen
2yo: Mommy, the baby is being ridiculous!
Me: He is? How?
2yo: *exasperated* Because he won’t talk to me!!
Me:
“I loves hows you’ve done me spinach Doc!” Popeye tells his host.
Hannibal winks. “The secret is to add a bit of Olive Oil.”
Pretty sure I just did some classical ballet move as I got off the computer chair to get to the kitchen and saw a spider on my floor.
Why does it take 5-7 days to refund me…When it took 5-7 seconds to take that shit out
Roses are red, violets are fine, I’ll be the 6 if you’ll be the 9.
It’s fascinating how an “ouchie” a toddler experiences can immediately be fixed by giving it kisses.
Walked into a wall? Kiss
Bumped your head? Kiss
Looked at a tree the wrong way? Kiss
Bit a carrot too hard? Kiss
Pooped? Kiss and then a diaper change
Son: Can I have pizza for breakfast?
Wife: No.
Son: Why not?
Wife: You want to jump in here?
Me: Let’s see where he’s going with this.
“This won’t end well, mark my words.
Mark, my words.
MARK.
MY WORDS! I NEED MY WORDS, MARK!!!”*Mark sweatily fumbles with the script*
Friend: So, you are distantly related to the family next door, are you?
Me: Yes, their dog is our dog’s brother.
WIFE: He’s too literal and unromantic
THERAPIST: Tell her something that comes straight from the heart
ME: [whispers in her ear] Arteries
[first time trying standup]
Me: So, I was talking to a friend recen-
*from the back* LOL YEAH RIGHT
Me: Please, mom, not now
Toasters are just Jack in the Boxes for adults.