“I loves hows you’ve done me spinach Doc!” Popeye tells his host.
Hannibal winks. “The secret is to add a bit of Olive Oil.”
You Might Also Like
Every morning when I get home. I thank my cats for allowing me to live in their house.
Technically, the people tied to the tracks are the ones having the trolley problem
I get a cool lever
I’m wondering how far I can go with this guy on Hinge who seemingly has no idea we went on multiple dates last year. The sex definitely won’t ring any bells but meeting my brother again might.
Him: Remember life before kids? We were making moves, taking chances, paid for everything in cash. Ya, we made a few bad investments & did jail time, but man, we had fun!
Her: Are you talking about Monopoly?
Him: Yes. The kids suck at it & I always have to be the thimble!
Saying please to a toddler is like being polite to a tornado.
Sometimes I wonder if cannibals see hot tubs as broth for people soup.
True
I was thrilled when this beautiful girl came up and asked me for a date.
Then I realised it was just because I work at a dried fruit stand.
“Are you religious?”
Bro I don’t even believe in myself
Mosquito *bites a vampire*:
Holy shit, this guy’s a whole buffet!
Don’t get mad. Get windchimes.
*on the phone with my wife*
yes, i have the car, we’re driving around right now. who’s with me? well, a bunch of raccoons. yes, the same ones that got me kicked out of burger king
Want to throw somebody off? Look at their forehead mid-conversation. It makes the subconscious incredibly uncomfortable! Switch between looking at their eyes and their forehead — they’ll either end the conversation completely, or lose their train of thought.
[first date]
HER: I love to learn
ME: (trying to impress her) I spent two extra years in high school
“Go down, Moses.” And he did. And that’s why the ladies loved him.
Add a touch of magic to your allergies by filling your mouth with glitter before you sneeze.
The school phoned me today and said, “Your son’s been telling lies.”
I replied, “Well, tell him he’s bloody good – I ain’t got any kids!”
If my dog goes missing I have 3,789,897 current photos. If my kids go missing I have 3 photos from 5 years ago.
Son: am I adopted?
Me: not yet, but we’re hopeful.
I’m at my most financial consultant when I tell the McDonald’s employee what my change back should be.
my dad once complained about “coming home from a long day at work and having to eat on a paper plate” so my mom served him dinner in a solo cup the next day and we all ate like we didn’t notice
1pm, the perfect time to start doing the work I woke up early to get a jump on.
Him: You can’t give the cat treats right after he tripped me on the stairs. He’ll think it’s a reward.
Me: It is.
HER: You can’t even go 5 minutes without making a Star Trek reference.
ME: Yes I Khan.
I just want to be fit enough to reach into my glove compartment, without crying.
I told our stepmom that when you first log onto Zoom calls, you’re supposed to put your face close to the camera and open your mouth really wide so other callers can examine your teeth.
My brother just sent me an angry text.
Holiday anxiety is the most festive of all the anxieties.
I ate so much bread yesterday, I checked Web MD to make sure that I couldn’t end up with a yeast infection.
My loaf of bread looks terrified
I let a Pasta Chef borrow my car and he returned it all denty