Him: Remember life before kids? We were making moves, taking chances, paid for everything in cash. Ya, we made a few bad investments & did jail time, but man, we had fun!
Her: Are you talking about Monopoly?
Him: Yes. The kids suck at it & I always have to be the thimble!
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I put my phone in airplane mode and started constantly banging my knees on stuff.
I’ve never once used the “C word” in a tweet but I will now!!!!
Cookie.
There, happy now? You cunts.
Zack Greinke stories are the best
When I get depressed about an underperforming tweet, I think about starving kids in Africa & how lucky they are to never experience my pain.
BELLE: I love you
BEAST: You broke the curse!
[transforms into hideously ugly man]BELLE: Welp, guess you’re all good. I gotta roll. Peace
ALBUS: It’s a Time-Turner! We can travel back in time and change ANYTHING.
SNAPE: That’s amazing. We can save-
ALBUS: Nah, gave it to a kid.
My phone says connected but somehow I don’t feel it
Me: I just ran into your brother.
Friend: How’s he doing?
Me: Not so good. I ran into him pretty hard.
I just noticed the light fixture in the bathroom is off center, so no, I won’t be renewing my lease.
gonna start doing mildly unhinged shit to make people uncomfortable.
heat my food for 73 seconds in the microwave,
sit down in the elevator,
pick up my feet a little too high when i walk
No, I’m not proud to be eating Cheetos with chopsticks but I’m knitting so I do feel kinda smart.
“We are Three Percenters. We are everywhere.”
If you are only 3% you cant be everywhere.
It literally says so in your name.
Me: Okay, time to get off our bed
Dog: It’s adorable that you think that.
[fire alarm]
Hotel California manager: oh no
It’s my son’s 4th birthday so I volunteered to help out on his class trip to Chinatown.
If you don’t hear from me again, they won.
If I answer my phone and you ask for me by my full name, there’s a 100% chance we’re about to be disconnected.
Detective: Where were you on the night-
Me: Twitter
Detective: Between the hour-
Me: Twitter
Detective: I wasn’t fini-
Me: Twitter
[shows her my bedroom]
And this is where the magic happens…
[starts doing that trick where it looks like my thumb is coming apart]
It’s funny how fast small children lose interest in what you have to say when they find out you’re a paleontologist who isn’t an expert in dinosaurs. I’m showing you a mammoth arm bone, I don’t know what more you want from me!
At what point were people buying hotcakes so fast it set the bar?
Kids born in the years 2000 and after will never know the struggle of learning their birthdays in French like we did
2000: deux mille
2001: deux mille un1997: mille neuf cent quatre-vingt dix-sept
ME: Sorry we’re late. My daughter couldn’t find her pet spatula.
DAUGHTER: Chad.
ME: Yes. Chad the Spatula.
Screw that. I love this bench and I don’t care who knows it!
Me: ‘Alcohol only kills the weakest brain cells.’
Also Me: *parks car in neighbor’s driveway*
Nobody loves a thunderstorm more than a teenager who promised to mow the lawn today.
Wife: We have 4 kids already, I think we should start using protection!
Me: haha yes I’ll sort it[Later]
Son: Dad can I have-
Bouncer: Step back
The only thing I’ve ever dropped at midnight is my standards.
Dogs should be allowed to drive.