My son cried when I gave him his breakfast this morning. I made him scrambled eggs, covered them in ketchup & told him it was Humpty Dumpty.
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No, 2013, you were not the worst year. But thank you for trying.
AHHHHHHHH HONEY COME QUICK THERE’S A RAT IN THE SHOwer oh uh never mind, it’s just my hair in the drain
Open-heart surgery is much simpler than most people realize. The key is not to get hung up on whether or not the patient survives.
*watching my hamster gnaw on his tiny broadsword*
you are a disgrace to your lineage and bring great shame upon this house
[interviewing to be a lifeguard]
me 🎶 I’m too sexy for my shirt 🎶 Too sexy for my shirt 🎶
interviewer: ok, I get it, you keep repeating that. Do you know CPR?
Me: would you trade me for a younger woman?
H: oh honey age doesn’t matter! I’d trade for someone who doesn’t talk through the game.
Hey baby, do you like tan lines? Because I fell asleep with a badminton racquet on my face again and
Koala bears can sleep up to 20 hours a day, which means they’re only a few hours short of having a perfect day.
This is Bill
Bill has a wife
Bill isn’t scared of his wife & says what he wants when he..This is Bill’s wife
Bill is no longer available
There was a time you couldn’t drive a computer if you didn’t have a driving license…
Our house is too small for a proper hallway. We pretend, though, and give directions like “it’s in the bedroom down the hall.”
The Police asked me to make a statement so I stripped naked and ran around the precinct shouting, “Save the whales!”
Breaking: It’s snowing where some people live and not snowing where other people live. More about this in 10 minutes on Facebook News.
I saw a guy walking 4 dogs this morning and thought, Wow!.. That guy must be really blind.
Now that Halloween is over I would like to re-home my poltergeist.
Pros:
Ethically sourced
Fairly quiet
Keeps to itselfCons:
Leaves all cabinet doors open
Eats all the food
May not be a poltergeist and might just be a teenager.
Sometimes I lay awake at night and ask myself, why don’t I have a hedgehog?
i hate it when my ID card is accepted by people, you agree that i look like that horrible picture???
DAD: i’m sorry but your mother and i would like you to stay away for awhile
ME: i understand. who knows what could happen with this virus
DAD: what virus
Having someone cancel plans on you is like watching trash take itself out.
The four seasons are depression, allergies, tomatoes and spooky
Boss: I suspect one of you is dead
[Everyone looks at me, except for Paul, who is not moving at all]
My mom when I was a kid:
“Never talk to strangers.”
“Never get in their cars.”
Me to my future kids:
“Here’s how to order an Uber.”
I don’t understand how people use plastic wrap successfully.
[Playing poker]
*Takes my college diploma out of my wallet, unfolds it and slams it on the table
I raise you 125k
him: 911, what’s your emergency
me: a home invasion
him: can have a unit there in 10 minutes
me: they’re armed
him: 5 minutes
me: they switched my toilet paper from over to under
swat team: [already crashing thru the windows]
(with the most anger i’ve ever experienced in my life) ok sounds good
Superpower: giving evildoers the hiccups, then on day 23, you throw them off a building but by that point they’re just sobbing “thank you”
GUY WHO INVENTED CELEBRATING BIRTHDAYS: *is born* Ok wow like what an accomplishment
MOTHER: For me?
GUY: N- HELL no. For me. Please shut up
“We’ve got all the time in the world” said the dodo bird to the dinosaur.