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Twitter: “New audio and video calling is here!”
Me: “No, it’s f*cking NOT.” *Disables feature.*
Love means never having to say you’re sorry.
…so does murder.
my only crime was caring too much. caring too much about fire
Whoever said ‘carbs are not your friend’ does not understand how friendship works.
LITTLE BO PEEP: I’ve lost my sheep! I can’t remember where to find them!
DOCTOR: Sounds like Lambnesia
Me: Another bucket of wine please.
Waiter: You mean a new bottle in an ice bucket?
Me: No.
Two tips for faster jogging: hot guy in front of you and creepy dude behind
I support Greenpeace because I care about environmental activism, just not enough to do any of the real work myself.
Neat! according to this Walgreens blood pressure monitor, i should have died in 1998
80% of arguments start because someone hasn’t eaten yet.
I woke up at 3 am this morning to the sound of my burglar alarm
“Time to go out and rob some people!” I said
A mom hits peak passive aggressive when faced with the request “tell me a story”
Well Billy, once upon a time there was a little boy who literally never picked up his shit
“and how does that make you feel?”
CONTRACTOR: a 5-gallon bucket is the best tool I own
ME, entering buffet: same
People tend to overreact when they look in their rear view mirror & see you sitting in their backseat dressed like a clown.
finally found a reasonable question
Me: Why is my phone making this odd noise when I use it?
Verizon Service Rep: *listens* It’s playing Backstreet Boys
Me: Tell me WHY
Rep: Ain’t nothing but a mistake
[SPEED DATING]
HER: Hi, is this seat free?
ME: By all means.
HER: *drags chair across room
ME: WTF?
HER: *laughing, sits with another couple
I’m not saying they’re stupid, but certain people I know would use a broom on a fire extinguisher after reading “sweep side to side”
I had my year-end evaluation and it went like “You have great substantive legal skills, but you don’t come into the office enough and you don’t attend social events and you don’t regularly answer emails on weekends.” Yes, precisely.
Hobby Lobby and Chick-Fil-A have one thing in common: I never go there.
Looking like shit greatly increases your chances of seeing someone you know at the store by 90%.
Dogs Barking at Night Translated
Dog 1: Hey! I’m a dog!
Dog 2: No way! I, too, am a dog!
Dog 3: Ok, you guys aren’t going to believe this…
Oh that’s not nicotine stains on my fingers. That’s mustard. I don’t smoke anything besides ham sandwiches.
Airbnb’s should be required to tell you their wifi password before you book because I’m second guessing this place based on “fluffycream350”.
I’m not your typical teenage girl. I’m 35 years old.
most librarians are not supportive of me practicing mime despite 𝘤𝘭𝘦𝘢𝘳𝘭𝘺 adhering to the volume guidelines
You: Alexa, should I worry about being spied on by balloons?
Alexa: Yes, it’s definitely the balloons.