Oh that’s not nicotine stains on my fingers. That’s mustard. I don’t smoke anything besides ham sandwiches.
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podcaster 40 mins into an ep: okay, so let’s just dive right in
“I came downstairs for a zip of juice and noticed the tv was gone so I called you guys”
[cop stops writing] did you say zip of juice?
Well, sure, if I was a 22 year old hottie I’d tweet sexy stuff, but I’m a 47 year old married woman with 5 kids. I tweet despair.
[ring]
Me: Hi
Mom: You picked up.
Me: I know
M: Why
Me: You called
M: I wanted to leave a message
Me: Just tell me
M: Hang up
[ring]
Me: Hi
With all the ghosting these days you’d think there’d be more documented ectoplasmic incidents.
Boss: Did you get my email?
Me: Yes. It had italics, all-caps, and highlighting and I had no idea how to prioritize that information.
I am officially old enough to have to put on glasses to find my pants
Bike for sale
I started a petition to ban people from collecting autographs.
So far I’ve got 5,000 signatures.
13 asked for a haircut yesterday. after the haircut he was upset and asked why his hair was shorter. brain cells man.
Take me down to the paradise city where the salmon are jumping and the tubes are fishy
RIP Ronaldo’s Moth. The world’s most famous footballing insect has died after a long and illustrious career. He was 6 weeks old.
Dear Santa, I’ve been good all year.
Most of the time.
Once in a while.
Never mind, I’ll buy my own stuff.
If you don’t walk sideways chanting ‘crab people’ when holding tongs, we can’t be friends.
Well it happened. My girlfriend walked in and caught me watching Spongebob
Secure web server:
> Email/password please.
Insecure web server:
> I just don’t know if I’m good enough…am I?
Sitting on airplane…. I sanitize our tray tables, seat cushions, seatbelts, and seatback pockets. My child then licks the window.
Catch a spark… Set the world on fire!
– Incinerational Tweet
Why did they call it ‘Rambo: First Blood Part 2’ instead of ‘Rambo: Second Blood’? That’s some bullshit right there.
[drunk, yelling at a can of baked beans] ALEXA PLAY BENNIE AND THE JETS
“Shhhhh it’s sleeping”
I whisper while closing the door on my laundry pile
If Trump wins I’m moving to my last Sim City 2000 save file.
me, realizes 5 is hiding behind the couch: what are you doing back there?
5: nothing…I don’t have scissors
(me hosting a paranormal show): you look like you’ve seen a ghost!
Director: for the tenth time please stop saying that
For lent I gave up eating random crumbs I find on my desk
Gave up watching The Punisher. First episode started strong with him immediately punishing a man, but forty minutes later he’d given no further punishments and I cut my losses.
We have a lot of famous Chrises;
Hemsworth, Evans, Pratt, Pine, and the infamous -tal Meth
Wasps: bees, but not helping
Person: Do you have a license for that thing?
Me [from my wheelchair]: No, that got revoked after I killed my third pedestrian.