me, realizes 5 is hiding behind the couch: what are you doing back there?
5: nothing…I don’t have scissors
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My girlfriend and I started dating after her car ran into mine.
We met by accident
Boss: Isn’t your new job kind of a [stifling laughter] sideways move?
Crab: [to HR person] see this is what I’m talking about
HER: so I hear you’re a runner
ME: yes
OTHER COP: *handcuffs me to the desk* good to know
Open casket funeral? Remains to be seen.
If pulled over, immediately ask the officer if they’ve been drinking in order to establish dominance.
It’s weird when one person from your college friend group gets rich but you’ve all stayed in touch & their Facebook posts are like “I have always loved Pearl Jam & it was magical to see them perform on my back patio for my birthday!!!”
Doctor said if I have a vasectomy I wouldn’t have any kids, had the operation, got home, they’re still there
i feel like so much miscommunication could be avoided if we all just stopped talking
It’s the anniversary of Tetris. We should have a block party.
Take it easy, Officer. You act like you’ve never seen a woman with a car full of penguins before.
I sure have purchased an inordinate amount of ringtones, for someone who keeps their phone on Silent.
DOG: where do you go every day?
OWNER: to work
DOG: i don’t know what that is, but sounds sad
CAT: you leave? really?
Her: Are you a dog person or a cat person?
Me: …
H: …
M: …
H: Why are you hesitating?
M: I’m not sure which answer will get me laid.
What’s the difference between snowmen and snowladies ? Snowballs
Between my boy tucking his shirt in his shorts & my girl wearing socks w/ sandals I’m confident I won’t ever have to talk to them about sex.
[hospital]
“The results are in. I’m afraid you have Bad Priorities Disease. You have 1 month to live.”But does my hair look good?
DATE: this bread is dry. you should talk to the manager
ME: ok *waves over manager*
MANAGER: can I help you?
ME: tell her to shut up about the bread
[On a date]
Me: I want to be buried under a large oak tree, give my body back to the earth
Him: that’s so sweet
Me: no I mean right now
Cops have a new radar that lets them see through walls into our homes but imagine if this technology fell into the wrong hands! Oh wait…
You are such a good friend that if we were on a sinking ship together & there was only one life jacket, I’d miss you and think of you often.
Drank two Monster Energy drinks and started my car by screaming at it.
I hate spoilers so much I walk out of movies before the end
Breaking news:
I’m totally winning this weight watchers thing! I’ve eaten more points than everyone!!!
I hope I’m doing this right…
I drink so much coffee, people feel jittery when they see a picture of me.
NYC’s response to historic flooding will be adding kayak lanes to all city streets.
I’m at the age where I look good “for my age”
Reasons why it’s bad that Justin Bieber is retiring:
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
I didn’t go to the Carribean, my tan is from standing infront of the rotisserie chicken at Costco
HER: (touching my chest) What a fascinating tattoo…
ME: Thanks. I was carrying a squid and a porcupine, and I tripped.