NYC’s response to historic flooding will be adding kayak lanes to all city streets.
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My toddler saw Santa for the 2nd time this season and when he asked her what she wanted for Christmas, she quit smiling, looked him dead in the eye, and told him, “I already told you”. And that was the moment I realized that I’m going to have to get so much better at lying.
Me in my 20s: [faking it till I make it]
Me in my 30s: [still faking it till I make it]
Me on my deathbed: ANY day now
Okay kid, here’s the context. Each of your toes is a pig. I’m going to grab them, one by one, and tell you what each one did. I know, it’s weird, just roll with it.
2: ok
Why are there commentators for televised sports?
We can figure out what’s going on live, but can’t while watching it on tv?
ME: What’s in the bag?
FRIEND: A bicycle helmet for my kid.
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: Well, you know-
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: …
ME: What’s in the bag?
It should be a law that if you display a perfect family photo in your house, the six outtakes it took should be elsewhere around the house.
A panic attack is hearing your teens laughing in another room at the same time you can’t find your phone.
Thank you for the opportunity but I don’t think being human is a good fit for me. I’m going to go back to school to become an octopus
I want a polka band at my funeral. I’m the one who’s dead, let ’em suffer.
I plan the silliest murders in my dreams because all I have to do to get away with it is wake up.
Define “no more Twitter or I will leave you.”
[about to message girl he likes]
Me: I should just talk to her like I would anyone else. Be myself. And not act stupid.
Brain: OR
We like knowing who the fastest person on earth is.
We don’t know why, or how this information will be useful, but we like to know it all the same.
Eating at restaurant with Mom after her doc appointment when phone rings
Me: *phone rings* Hello? Okay. I’m not at my laptop so I can’t answer you but don’t worry—I’m eating an ice cream sundae about it right now.
I know this intervention is serious business but I see absolutely no snacks here.
the cool thing about having longer hair is using it to floss your teeth in a pinch
Another beautiful day to waste the utopian potential of social media on social media.
I work with some really great people. They’re reliable, they’re honest and they never cause any problems. I don’t fit in at all.
23. the denim jacket
[Calls Ex-Girlfriend]
Remember all those hair-ties and Bobby pins you lost? Well, I found all 5,000 while moving.
Guinness Book of World Records should be in the Guinness Book of World Records as being the book with the most world records.
Me: what big eyes you have!
Me: what big nose you have!
Me: what big teeth you have!
Dog: you’re drunk again, aren’t you?
*planning the destruction of the human race
Super Computer: I will shut down all electronic devices
Cyborgs: We will fight all resisters
Toasters: You guys are amateurs…
A monarchy is crowning a new king & later we’ll watch horses run in a circle for entertainment. Tonight I’m gonna party like it’s 1199.
brent use the shallow end
why
you’re not a strong swimmer
I am so *jumps*
[doesnt surface because I have $1.75 worth of change in my pocket]
too old for tik tok, too young for facebook, too weird for linkedin, not weird enough for reddit, too ugly for instagram…where will i go now
i am only capable of working on things in zero stress or extreme stress situations, in all other situations u can find me laying down and patiently waiting until extreme stress kicks in
You’re invited to my Oscar party! The theme is movie star cuisine which means there won’t be any food.
she left me for good. what am i suposed to do now?
“…there ar plenty of fish in the sea”
OK DUDE FOR THE LAST TIME IM NOT GONA DATE A FISH