she left me for good. what am i suposed to do now?
“…there ar plenty of fish in the sea”
OK DUDE FOR THE LAST TIME IM NOT GONA DATE A FISH
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Don’t believe cartoons. No matter how hard you throw a toilet plunger, it won’t actually stick to someone’s face.
My ex used to cook & set off the fire alarm every morning while I was asleep. He refused to cook at other times & said it was his “routine.” My new boyfriend is a large dragon that cooks entire villages in one breath & lets me sleep. Don’t give up. There is someone for everyone.
There’s an alternate universe where we are together and finally happy.
And I probably forgot to take out the trash there, too.
[high school]
Teacher: do u have your homework?
Ryan Lochte: I was murdered last night
run away with me except we’re driving so we’ll mostly sit
JUDGE: i sentence you to life in prison
MY LAWYER WHO IS A HOUSE FLY: nice that’s only like 11 days
Any other ladies having their period during this Friday the 13th Full Moon want to meet up and combine powers? I’ll bring a salad.
British people react to the @BBC posting baseball content on twitter… 😭
Equally cool alternatives to air guitar:
Air slap bass
Air harmonica
Silent pig auctions
Balloons hitting people
The letter Q
Apparently I have an on again off again relationship with reality. I just can never tell which one.
*pets unicorn*
The way my reading glasses fog up as I drain the spaghetti water into a colander over the sink…is this passion? I feel like this is passion
My advice to the younger generation: make your mistakes now. Because by the time you’re 40, you’ll barely even remember them! And then you get to make the same mistakes all over again it’s really fun
Watch it bro, your mouth’s writing checks your body can’t cash. Because you write really sloppy with the pen in your mouth. Seriously, wtf?
me: so you’re just going to pack up my things? as if none of this meant anything to you??
grocery bagger: what
This is the goat we had on our business update meeting last week 👀
By 35 you should have returned to your childhood home to discover the ancient evil you and your friends thought you’d defeated when you were all 12 has risen again, say retirement experts.
man cave? she shed? no no. im in my theysement
Cute neighbor mows her lawn almost naked, so I sneak over there at night and sprinkle Miracle-Gro all over her yard.. costly but so worth it
They say as your kids get older they get more likeable but that can’t be true because my parents still don’t like me
Her: You’re all sweaty. Where have you been?
*Flash back to an hour long struggle of me trying to separate 2 shopping carts*
Me: The gym.
Wow, after that bathroom experience, this made me wish my sinus plugged up from allergies.
I should be getting paid for getting up at 3 am. to go pee.
Here lies a mother, her struggle was valiant but in the end the laundry pile was too big and she couldn’t claw her way out
DMV CLERK: go to the end of the line it’s gonna be a while
WAITER: excellent
Operator: 911
Me: My wife is going into labor, what do I do?
O: Relax sir, is this her first born?
Me: No, this is her husband.
I don’t have time to get to know you
Be cool immediately
[my kid, literally every school morning]
“I hate mornings. I’m not getting up”[1st day of summer vacation]
“dad, can we watch the sunrise”
[becomes allergic to the floor midway through a date & slowly floats out of a window]
6yo’s can’t go to jail so I have no idea why this one’s refusing to drive me home from the pub.