@JamesonN7 Liar is such a harsh term, I prefer Politician
@1Happytwit 6yo’s can’t go to jail so I have no idea why this one’s refusing to drive me home from the pub.
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@JamesonN7 
@WheelTod I once accidentally broke up with a girl on a broken-down train, when I said “I don’t think this is going anywhere.”
@WilliamHale1 A wise man once said… absolutely nothing.
He let her vent and then they had sex afterward.
@donnie_fairburn If nothing else, the iOS7 update has proved it’s usefulness by automatically adding the little accent mark to the word jalapeño for me.
@HatfieldAnne Sure I’d love a long chat. Let me make you more comfortable. *slides a cactus plant between us*
@flashember [Excavation for dino bones]
DIGGER: Sir, we found something BIG!
DOG PALEONTOLOGIST: *tail wags* Ok go for break [salivating] I’ll finish up
@E_lok44 Keep your friends’ cake
and your enemies’ cake.
@girl_a_whirl *pulls away from kissing, stares intently into his eyes
Your eyes are like pools of melted chocolate
Him: U started your diet, didn’t u
@joshgondelman I’d have more sympathy for Sony’s alleged loss of $200 million if that weren’t the cost of like three large popcorns at any movie theater.
@brianbowman73 Coworker: Pass your random drug test?
Me: With flying colors!
CW: Really?
Me. So many colors!
CW: You’re high right now aren’t you?