@1Happytwit

6yo’s can’t go to jail so I have no idea why this one’s refusing to drive me home from the pub.

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@WheelTod

I once accidentally broke up with a girl on a broken-down train, when I said “I don’t think this is going anywhere.”

@WilliamHale1

A wise man once said… absolutely nothing.

He let her vent and then they had sex afterward.

@donnie_fairburn

If nothing else, the iOS7 update has proved it’s usefulness by automatically adding the little accent mark to the word jalapeño for me.

@HatfieldAnne

Sure I’d love a long chat. Let me make you more comfortable. *slides a cactus plant between us*

@flashember

[Excavation for dino bones]
DIGGER: Sir, we found something BIG!
DOG PALEONTOLOGIST: *tail wags* Ok go for break [salivating] I’ll finish up

@E_lok44

Keep your friends’ cake
and your enemies’ cake.

@girl_a_whirl

*pulls away from kissing, stares intently into his eyes

Your eyes are like pools of melted chocolate

Him: U started your diet, didn’t u

@joshgondelman

I’d have more sympathy for Sony’s alleged loss of $200 million if that weren’t the cost of like three large popcorns at any movie theater.

@brianbowman73

Coworker: Pass your random drug test?

Me: With flying colors!

CW: Really?

Me. So many colors!

CW: You’re high right now aren’t you?