6yo’s can’t go to jail so I have no idea why this one’s refusing to drive me home from the pub.
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CITY PLANNER: what should we call the paved path next to the street
CRAB: i have an idea
“It puts the lotion on its skin…”
— me buttering a baked potato
I miss the days when people used to be less nostalgic.
*kicks door down*
*realizes its the wrong house*
*leaves*
*comes back with tool bag*
*fixes door*
*apologizes*
A thick layer of mayonnaise on all your furniture will remove water rings from wood and unwanted guests from your house.
Never go to a place that has burgers, sushi, chicken wings and donuts on one menu. Never.
We’re out of milk.
Eh, kids can drink water.We’re out of bread.
PB&J on hot dog buns it is!We’re out of coffee.
WHAT. Get my keys.
Angel: Here’s the final human mold *drops it*
God: *creates mom look*
Angel: Are you mad?
God: No, just disappointed
Me: You didn’t specify whether you meant “parallel” according to the rules of Euclidean geometry or hyperbolic geometry.
Driving instructor: My bad. Now see if you can back out of this person’s living room.
It’s like grandma always said…
Make sure you put everything in the medicine cabinet back where you found it or you won’t be invited back.
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: What’s your net worth?
FISHERMAN: Which one?
So many mixed messages in the media. Titanic tells us “never let go.” Frozen says “let it go.” Smdh
Make people question sincerity by adding quotations to your cards:
“Thank You”
Get well “soon”
“Congratulations” on the “baby”
I’ll never salute you, General Settings
Just ordered me some pizza!
covid spelled backwards is devil. Don’t look just take my word for it.
the grim reaper driving a taxi full of meats and cheeses call it death cab for charcuterie.
*smuggles cake (containing saw) into escape room*
I apologise for the way I acted when you said the McRib was back and then told me you were kidding.
Cleanliness is next to Godliness because this is a small library.
The best way to prepare for Motherhood is to put Dora on TV for 9 months, set your alarm for every 45 minutes and throw food on your floors.
PASTOR: and the lord said unto us—can u stop please? it’s very distracting
ME: [bouncing up & down on yoga ball] i don’t think he said that
I’m at my most athletic when I’m running up stadium stairs to buy another beer.
Him: “You’re not like other girls”
My anxiety and insecurity: “Told ya”
I need your fingers, rubbing me hard, circling around my red swollen …mosquito bite.
What did YOU think I’m talking about?
Weirdos!!
Michelle Obama should have dropped the mic and moonwalked out.
Kids are making millions off apps and games they’ve created and I haven’t watched TV in days because I hit a wrong button on the remote…
The little notes taped everywhere in your Airbnb:
Keep porch light off after 11:00pm.
Don’t use bathroom outlet for hairdryer. Breaker will trip.
If you hear a child crying in old pantry, don’t open the door. It’s not a child, DON’T OPEN THE DOOR.
Council: We’ll pay you 30 pieces of silver.
Judas: Never. He’s my friend.
Council: …and an iPad.
Judas: I hate that guy.
Sales of wood-chippers have gone way up as the quarantine has continued. That makes sense on farms, but most buyers are apartment dwellers.