6yo’s can’t go to jail so I have no idea why this one’s refusing to drive me home from the pub.

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I once accidentally broke up with a girl on a broken-down train, when I said “I don’t think this is going anywhere.”


A wise man once said… absolutely nothing.

He let her vent and then they had sex afterward.


If nothing else, the iOS7 update has proved it’s usefulness by automatically adding the little accent mark to the word jalapeño for me.


Sure I’d love a long chat. Let me make you more comfortable. *slides a cactus plant between us*


[Excavation for dino bones]
DIGGER: Sir, we found something BIG!
DOG PALEONTOLOGIST: *tail wags* Ok go for break [salivating] I’ll finish up


Keep your friends’ cake
and your enemies’ cake.


*pulls away from kissing, stares intently into his eyes

Your eyes are like pools of melted chocolate

Him: U started your diet, didn’t u


I’d have more sympathy for Sony’s alleged loss of $200 million if that weren’t the cost of like three large popcorns at any movie theater.


Coworker: Pass your random drug test?

Me: With flying colors!

CW: Really?

Me. So many colors!

CW: You’re high right now aren’t you?