Cleanliness is next to Godliness because this is a small library.
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New Yorkers were told they couldn’t bring their dog on the subway unless they fit inside a bag. It turns out that is quite a big loophole when you think about it
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Sometimes I wish I was a mermaid. Maybe then HR would stop hassling me for wearing a seashell bra on casual Fridays.
We need a new term for “avoid it like the plague” because apparently people don’t do that
“You have a BA? Ooooh! Look at you! Well, I have a BA, an MA, & a PhD.”
– 3rd degree burn
ME: I’ll take it
AUTO SALESMAN: this is the car you drove here
ME: perfect
If every time someone asks you to do something you quietly gasp and whisper, “Like the prophecy foretold.” People stop asking you to do things.
dentist: when did you last floss?
me: just last week
dentist: you know i went to school for this, right? i can see that’s not true
me: sorry, i meant yesterday
dentist: what?
me: i mean i’m flossing right now
dentist:
me: ow my gums, they hurt exactly the normal amount
You can literally say “the night is young” at any time of day or night. Nobody is policing this.
Awwww, your kids sound like they are still adorable. My kids are teenagers. They make “yo mama” jokes and then look over at me nervously.
Chuffed as chips with my new Apple watch!
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spouse: what are you doing
me: i’m writing a pilot
spouse: oh that’s so cool 🙂
me: thanks *starts typing* dear han, so who really shot first?
What’s a moderation, and how do I drink in one?
Got fired as a detective.
I have no clue why
ME:[just inaugurated as president] Where’s the nuke button
ADVISOR: why
ME:[crumpling photo of my 5th grade bully] I just wanna see it
A model train set is the male equivalent of 25 cats.
SOME DUDE IN A LAB IS WORKING ON BRINGING THE PTERODACTYL BACK TO LIFE SO ENJOY THOSE EVENING STROLLS WHILE YOU CAN!
I hear you like horror movies
You should see me first thing in the morning when I forgot to take my makeup off
*winks forever*
me as a new nurse trying to help out in a code
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Utility company website: Are you a bot?
Me: No, but if there are bots trying to pay my utility bills, mind your own business.
The other night enough comedian friends complimented my sweater that I became certain they were making fun of me.
Not my circus. Not my monkeys. But I’m 99% positive I know those clowns.
Back in my day we didn’t have online dating. We’d write, “for a good time, call…” on public bathroom walls and wait for our phone to ring.
HR: Do you know why we called you in here today?
Me: I’m not taking off my Batman suit, sir.
Met a baby named Phil today. He gave me his business card.
*Husband buys me flowers*
Me: Aw sweet, but don’t waste money on things that are going to die.
Him: But you keep buying the cat food.
Playing dead in the supermarket to avoid having a conversation with someone you know attracts more attention than I anticipated…go figure.
Me: Don’t you think it’s weird and creepy that you’re 37 years old and still hang out at the high-school you went to?
Wife (who was homeschooled): Shut up. You’re not getting out of coming with me to visit my parents.
SNAIL: I’m a turtle?
GOD: No, you’re a snail
SNAIL: I have a shell
GOD: Yup
SNAIL: and I move really slowly
GOD: Yeah, all the time
SNAIL: but I’m not a turtle?
GOD (made too many turtle shells and needed somewhere to put them): you’re a completely different thing
The “t” in “Christmas” is silent.
Be like the “t” in “Christmas.”
MUGGER: Empty your pockets!
ME: But these are cargo shorts.
(45 min later)
ME: That’s the left one
MUGGER: Seriously.
ME: I am SO sorry