Not my circus. Not my monkeys. But I’m 99% positive I know those clowns.
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I hate when things are inscrutable. just wanna scrute ‘em so BAD.
[space mission studying behaviour of snakes on the moon]
astronaut: “we should’ve taken our own”
astronaut holding net: “just keep looking”
[grocery store seized by terrorists]
“Not today”, I say, tearing the label from a tube of Poppin’ Fresh Dough and rolling it down the aisle
I bet M. Day Shyamalan movies would be a lot less scary, am I right?
i can’t wait that long
If you don’t want your kids to leave the bathroom light on all the time don’t ask them to wash their hands so much duh.
ME: so what do you do
GUY: I’m an oral surgeon
ME: *imagining him doing heart surgery with just his mouth* wow I bet you’re a helluva kisser
Dad: *puts arm around my shoulder* Just remember son, if it doesn’t go well it’s always ok to just dust yourself off and try again until you get it right
*his eyes flicker to my younger brother for just a split second too long*
Years ago after much testing and pearl clenching, a library I worked for purchased chairs that were designed to discourage snoozing. Within 15 minutes of the day they arrived, someone fell asleep in one. Wish I had saved the photo.
I got catfished by someone claiming to be Mark Twain.
“I’m gonna sneak past you.” No you’re not. You’ve alerted me.
The opposite of Mariachi is Divorciachi
The directions say take two of the One a Day vitamins and that’s why nothing makes sense in this world.
So that old avocado in the fruit bowl was actually a rolled up green sock & now I’m freaking out because I’ve already served the guacamole.
Leia: *gasps* Chewbacca, you’re naked!
Chewbacca: *hastily puts back on his bandoleer*
Me: So excited for the weekend!
Predatory alien in disguise: Same here! Sooo easy to catch, right
M: Huh
P: The weakened
M: What
P: What
WIFE: honey?
ME: yes dear
WIFE: did something hit the car
ME: yes deer
WIFE: do you know what it was
ME: yes deer
WIFE: was it an animal
ME: yes deer
WIFE: was it a rabbit
ME: no deer
This coyote won’t let me get close enough to put a sweater on him.
Need expensive surgery? Tell a surgeon you’re auditioning a few before picking one. Have them do the surgery then say “OK I’ll let you know”
My wife says I’ve left the toilet seat up “like a bajillion times” but I’m contacting Jill Stein to demand a recount.
Mentally fistfighting everyone I pass on sidewalk (watched action movie earlier) my record is 33-10 but to be fair I walked by a school.
I act like I’m ok, but really this hummus is a bit spicier than I anticipated.
How to build a nested list
1) Start like this
A) Then do this
Bird: I live here now
2) Make sure to get the bird out
Bird: NO
If you smash someone on the head with a banjo it’s just horrible. But for half a second it sounds pretty damn funny.
me: I really can’t stay
him: but, baby it’s-
me: *tail lights*
H: where did you move after your divorce?
Me: On.
I moved on.
Help your friends diet by replacing the light in their fridge with an air horn.
The biggest thing I learned when I got married was how much I made up lyrics to songs…
The rest of the Justice League always makes Aquaman eat at Long John Silvers so they can watch him cry.
I’m guessing the person who decided how to spell “queue” and “okay” got paid by the letter.