Years ago after much testing and pearl clenching, a library I worked for purchased chairs that were designed to discourage snoozing. Within 15 minutes of the day they arrived, someone fell asleep in one. Wish I had saved the photo.
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My husband is turning 58 tomorrow. Join me wishing him “Jesus, you’re how old?”
Thoughts and Prayers aren’t working, it’s time to start pitching folks into a volcano
I found the perfect sign for my ‘horse haters’ club
My dream of making Playboy gone, so my best bet is National Geographic photographing me naked, carrying water on my head.
Entrepreneurs will work hard and put in 120% for years only for one article to tell you that their secret is that they do yoga at 4.30am 🙄🙄🙄
If you enjoy kazoo music at 7am, I would recommend having children.
How am I today? Well it’s officially day four of me arguing in my mind with a person who took my spot in line for party balloons
FRIEND: our kids are away with their grandparents so I’m taking my wife out tonight
ME: oh wow, like with an assassin or are you gonna do it yourself?
FRIEND: um, like…to dinner
ME: cool, cool
Mom was disappointed there were no fights on her flight. I gave her some tips for the return flight.
The sun got the nerve to be out.
Don’t just stand there, DO SOMETHING
If you’ve been a bad parent this year, Santa is putting recorders in your kids’ stockings.
*I throw my hat into the ring*
Oh you wanna fight do ya?
*I throw my pants into the ring*
Pal this is gettin’ weird
*I throw my skin into th
Love listening to 29 year olds say they are old.
Me: *reciting passage from The Satanic Bible*
Them: You idiot, what have you done? You WOKE the devil!
Lucifer: Intestines are just water slides for your poop
Don’t think I won’t spin around and French kiss you if you’re standing too close to me in line at the liquor store.
“you changed, bro” yeah no shit i’m a cockroach. please help me out of bed
The man who invented the iPhone battery has died.
His funeral will take plac
DOCTOR: a new study says the meds ur on cause hallucinations
ME: oh
LARGE MENACING CACTUS THAT FOLLOWS ME EVERYWHERE: was it peer reviewed?
Wait…so I get a million dollars AND I get to punch a baby in the face?
-me when someone asks if I would punch a baby for a million bucks
I want to see the look on the burglar’s face when he opens the drawer full of soy sauce packets, wetnaps, & individually wrapped sporks.
Santa keeps a pair of mounted antlers over his fireplace to keep the reindeer from unionizing.
You want me to work for exposure? The thing that killed everyone in Chernobyl?
My two-year-old just made up her own ukulele song. It seems to be called “Even if I was never born (I would still want a popsicle)”
please don’t invite me to your wedding unless you’re registered at arby’s
Author: So, I’ve got this children’s book. It’s about a hungry caterpillar.
Agent: Pass
Author: A VERY hungry caterpillar.
Agent: Go on…
My competitive neighbors are flexing on me by mowing their yard first and making mine look like shit.
[prison]
me: I think I’m breaking out
cell mate: no way that’s insane
me: I know my skin is usually like never this bad
It was the Bleh of Times,
It was the Meh of Times…
Oh sure, straight women call their female friends their “girlfriends” all the time, but when I wanna play smash bros with the guys suddenly “inviting my boyfriends over to smash” is “inappropriate”???