Say sliders to drugs
Say no to yes
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Guy at Q&A when there’s only 2 minutes for questions: hi! First of all I just wanted to say thank you so much for sharing this amazing work of art with all of us, I can easily say we’re all honored to be able to see this film in such a great venue. Let’s give it up for the staff…
You know I’m something of a chef myself
Has anyone else noticed what beautiful eyelashes giraffes have, or am I just lonely?
My neighbor bought a fancy zero-turn mower around the same time I got my beat up old tractor off craigslist. Since then, a couple times a season he has his mower towed off for repairs. Meanwhile, smooth sailing over here.
So the moral of the story is: Mow money, mow problems
A baby proofing service where I sic my toddler on your house so you can see exactly where you need to baby proof.
My dog can predict when an earthquake is going to happen. But television doorbell versus actual doorbell baffles him every time.
My Grandad had a pet shop. Which was a stupid thing to have as a pet.
“Ohhh, that’s what you meant by period sex” I say, removing my powdered wig and waistcoat.
so you’re telling me a boot cut these jeans
I want to open a Vietnamese restaurant called PhoNomNomNomenal ™️
When people get food poisoning they always tell you it came out both ends. But there’s no need to malign the a** in that scenario, the food was going to come out of there regardless of whether it was poisonous
Don’t mistake my habit to look down, as modesty.I have a long history of tripping on the most ridiculous things
HOW MANY ANTS HAVE YOU HAD TONIGHT, SIR?
[slowly rises from trashcan while 2 friends are making plans without me]
i am also free that day.
me: *eating burrito* so how do I die?
psychic: ok I’ll tell you
me: *eating third burrito* don’t you need to use your crystal ball?
psychic: no I’m pretty confident
A couple weeks ago I left my front door open and my Roomba got out. This morning it showed up on my porch pregnant, with a dead bird in its mouth.
ME: Distinguished fellow, have you seen a monster in this Loch?
LOCHNESS MONSTER (wearing a massive fake mustache): *monster noises*
Death: this is the afterlife
Me: ugh there’s more?
My hips? Compulsive liars.
You can rain on my parade but please don’t poop in my punch bowl.
Apparently in yoga when the instructor says, ‘next we go into our downward dog,’ it is frowned upon to make the ‘bowchickabowow’ sound.
Take caution while searching the annals of history.
The anals of history provide very different results.
Me: I have an imaginary gf.
Therapist: U can do better than that.
M: I know, it’s just–
T: I was talking to her.
[chameleon conference]
Boss: Is… everyone here?
*crickets*
Boss: I know Keith is. He brought the yummy crickets. Thx
Keith: You’re welcome
(saying something slightly ambiguous on the internet) ah i could’ve phrased that better but i’ll probably get the benefit of the doubt from thousands of strangers who only come here to get pissed off
Our family summer boat trips haven’t been the same since grandad died & demanded we bury him at sea. In the boat.
Since I’m working on the pool this weekend, might as well bring this one back.
Grass: [grows]
Me: well now, what do you think you’re doing bud? [lawnmower noises]
*tooth fairy arrested for incisor trading*
Hugging helps break the tension with strangers in elevators.