A baby proofing service where I sic my toddler on your house so you can see exactly where you need to baby proof.
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Shampoo bottles are more dramatic than little brothers. Like I barely touched you! Why did you fall down!?
I am interested in:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 making peace with the terror of being alive
My son almost missed his plane because he thought his seat number was the gate number.
The same kid they said was *gifted* when he was four.
I was kicked out of my college grammar club for making up words. Even worse was the reculpricity they had with the other clubs on campus.
7 brought me breakfast in bed, which in theory was super sweet, except in reality it was a poptart at 4am.
Man: I’d like an order of buffalo wings
Bartender: sorry, we don’t serve food here
*a sandwich that just walked in flips a table and leaves*
I really relate to the people in commercials who “didn’t know that.”
[Driving]
Wife: You missed a right.
Me: Thanks babe – you MRS right.
Fries should be offered more often like yes your mortgage is approved would you like fries with that?
Standing outside your window holding a rotisserie chicken above my head.
[looking at flocks of squawking crows]
We have to stop these senseless murders
ME: i want the ad to say “for sale: baby shoes, never worn”
AD GUY: oh wow that’s so sad
ME: totally. they’re so cute but my feet were just too big
May you never lose your sense of wonder.
It’s weird how the UFO’s always seem to crash in places that only the government and military have access to.
date: I like to try new foods
me: then you’re gonna love this place *motioning to waiter* NEWER CHIPS AND SALSA, GOOD SIR
Me: I’ve got the singing voice of an angle
Friend: Don’t you mean angel?
M: Nope, people hear me sing and do a complete 180
Dr Mario: you have a tumor
me: two more what
I stole a podium. I’m finally taking a stand.
(Listen, I am very stoned and this is hilarious to me)
I’m less of a “Don’t say that” mom and more of a “Don’t say that at school” mom.
My sister let me borrow her newborn baby so I could meet girls at the mall.
Worked great!
Also, If you’ve found my nephew Jake, lemme know
Vogue- strike a pose
Sleep- strike a doze
Leave- strike a goes
Firefight- strike a hose
Win The Bachelor- strike a final rose
Pitch in MLB- strike the pros
Blizzard- strike a froze
Assault- strike a nose
Me: Have a good day at school.
Child: Not possible.
Me: What? Why not?
Child: Hey dad, have a good day at work.
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.
[tinder date]
me: oh wow this is awkward
sunset: *just kinda sets there*
me: but i thought you were, you know
sunset: *still setting*
me: a shy woman who used a sunset pic as your profile photo and not uhhh
sunset: *fully sets behind the restaurant table edge*
Before I go out binge drinking I always eat a stick of butter. It doesn’t do anything I just make really poor life choices.
TEENS: You might find yourself “embarrassed” by certain things your body is doing, when in fact, you should be ashamed.
Just watched a mosquito suck my blood then throw up.
[at Hooters]
Me: you shouldn’t be working here. you’re a human being
Waitress: look, it’s my choi-
Me: -seriously, where are the owl waiters
HOW TO DIAGNOSE ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION:
1) It’s not very hard
Coroner’s Report: “Victim noted a subtle mannerism shared by his wife and mother-in-law.”
Wouldn’t be mad at all if I found this instead of staples