I really relate to the people in commercials who “didn’t know that.”
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shoutout to everyone trying to look busy instead of working the final hours before a holiday weekend
FRIEND: My kid was mvp of his basketball team.
ME: My kid misses when he tries to high-5
My boyfriend said he wanted me to wear my sexy undies when we went out!
Cop: just put your clothes back on, you’re scaring the people at poundland
Act Like a Lady
Think Like a Man
Most importantly, talk in irrelevant cliches.
[robbing a bank]
Bank teller: *slides over money* here you go
Me: *slides it back* can I make a deposit
*buys dog mask*
*shits on neighbors’ lawn*
Coffee so hot you pretend not to notice it when you’re out with your wife.
me: I ran 5 miles yesterday and my calves are killing me
her: you’re just being dramatic
me: *being stabbed by baby cows* yeah probably
[God Creating Dads]
God: Ah, yes. Think I’m done
Dads: Hi Done, we’re Dads!
God:
Dads:
God: *creates the adjustable thermostat*
I thought attending Zoom meetings from home was the worst. Then I went back to the office and experienced being around other people who were in Zoom meetings.
I have come up with the most awkward event of all time: the Father-Son wedding dance.
toddler *begs me to take him to get ice cream*
me: Ok
[standing in line]
me: Do you know what do you want?
toddler: Chicken nuggets
Turns out my toddler’s only ingredient for Banana Stew is bananas, and now I understand why she rolled her eyes when I asked for the recipe
insane our parents had to make multiple bad decisions to go bankrupt, we just have to get in an ambulance one time
Me: Put on your seatbelt.
13: Do I have to?
Me: not if you want your face shattering the windshield
13: cool
Me: PUT ON YOUR SEATBELT!
My super power is buying movies on Amazon the week before they’re free on Netflix
sometimes i remember i was part of the nsa hack back in spring / that all my data is currently floating around china and i’m like “cool”
Couples who finish each other’s sentences have killed before and will kill again.
*interrupts dinner
“IS THAT CLOCK REALLY YOUR GRANDFATHER!?”
I buy reverse osmosis filtered alkaline water for my dog and he prefers to drink out of the lake.
No one is in denial more than a mom who brings a book to the pool
my friend: so the new person you’re dating is another white guy named matt whose parents pay his rent?
me: yeah, but like, there’s something different about this one.
narrator: there was in fact not anything different about this one.
Do you need to go peepee?
-No
Are you sure?
-Yes
How bout you try?
-No
Ook, goodnight*as soon as I relax*
-MOM HELP I’M PEEPING MY PANTS!
Boss: What are you doing here on a Saturday??
Me (eating leftovers from fridge): …reports.
Today’s workout. 7 x 4 min intervals, 90 min walk. Participated in polar bear swim. Banned from the zoo.
HOW TO DISPOSE OF BATTERIES
– set them aside until you can look up how to dispose of batteries
– find them 3 months later
– look both ways
– slip them into the trash
“I just can’t wait to hear the audible gasps of amazement from everyone who enters my house.”
-Me after spending 6 minutes cleaning
Jerry Lock
@jlock17
My grandson is just learning to talk and is going to be a train engineer for Halloween, so I’m working hard on teaching him to say “Kiss my caboose” before his mom picks him up.
My wife caught me looking at a seagull at the beach so now we’re in this big fight.