I caught my cat licking a bar of soap and I can only assume he’s a weirdo or he’s punishing himself for swearing again
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Some people exercise on purpose by rowing little boats.
Canoe believe that?
“If ya wanna go and take a ride with me / wear your seatbelt” – Nervous Nelly
Single and never gonna mingle.
I tested positive for aloneavirus.
Elderly woman at bus stop just said my son was “beautiful.” UM STEP OFF PERVERT UR LIKE 40x HIS AGE cc: @LAPD
ME: What are you in for?
CELLMATE: Money laundering.
ME: *lights a cig and takes a long drag* Always check your pockets before washing your clothes.
Have your children help with daily chores if you want them to gain confidence and self efficacy also if want to accomplish nothing and go clinically insane.
What I said: No
What I meant: No
What my dog heard: Okay, but just look real cute.
When I was a teenager, my father showed me a 30 minute Powerpoint presentation why one should always wear a condom!
All the slides were just pictures of me….
him: almost every joke has been told before. gotta be creative with delivery
me: gotcha
[later]
me, in fancy dress: *rings his doorbell holding a pizza*
oh that’s just my emotional support rolled up carpet in the trunk, officer
the legend of bigfoot and the bodacious badonkadonk
A snake comin out the ceiling?! It can have the house
“Avocado Kedavra”
-Harry Potter before tuning his enemies into guacamole
The joy you get as a parent when you buy a big pizza and garlic bread to share, but they don’t like it! 😍😍
CHINA: how can we fix our economic problems???
GERMANY: how do we reestablish our engineering reputation???
USA: OH MY GOD RAT WITH A PIZZA
What idiot called it Santa’s holiday and not his sleighcation?
90% of parenting is asking, “Did you _?” when you know damned well that they didn’t.
My workout was getting me down so i filled my Swiss ball with helium
*smokes fat doobie*
*enters hotdog eating contest*
*sets Guinness World Record*
*gets disqualified for using performance-enhancing drugs*
Like most parents, I live in fear of the day I have to explain PRETTY WOMAN to my daughter.
rapatouille
*Hires life coach*
“Ok, the first thing we have to do is get you off this couch and get you moving!”
*Fires life coach*
*text alert*
me: i hope that’s my crush
pharmacy: thanks for picking up your antipsychotics today
An Apple a day may keep the Doctor away!!!… But an Onion a day keeps Everybody away!!!
You can’t hurt me. You’re not a ‘closed’ sign on a pizzeria door.
Holy crap! This coin looks old as hell!
*checks the date*
It’s 15 years younger than me.
When I awoke from the car accident in a full bodycast, my wife was right at my bedside to let me know that childbirth is still more painful.
[2 Years into Cosmetology School]
Me:[applying perfect contours] When are we gonna start learning about space?
Can I put on a tinder account that I’ve never lost at Wordle, or is that too hot?
Robin Hood [hands over stolen fortune]: here you are, my poor friend
Friend: wow thanks. I’m rich!
Robin [narrows eyes]: you’re what