A snake comin out the ceiling?! It can have the house
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6, pointing at her brother, crying:
He doesn’t want to play Barbies with me!
Me: None of us do.
Therapist: Are you a man or a mouse?
Mickey: Quite frankly, I was hoping you could tell me.
“We’re up all night to get Loki” -Daft Punk feat. The Avengers
Kissing 101:
1. Open your mouth
2. Wider, that’s it.
3. Stick out your tongue
4. Then walk towards her and pray she doesn’t run away.
[ER Triage Room]
NURSE: So what brought you in tonight?
GUY WITH NAIL IN HEAD: My ‘98 Toyota Corolla, but I don’t see how that’s important right now
The masseuse asked if I wanted her to finish me, I said yes & then she ripped my spine out & said “Flawless Victory!”
“What sins have you committed?”
Well…
[20 minutes later]
… finally fit my whole fist up there. I shit you not. Father?
*vomiting sound*
[restaurant]
date: you wanna split the bill?
me: don’t be silly!
date: oh wow thank you
me: for what?
Customer: can you help me?
Me: whoa hey look lady, I just work here okay?
him: you’re not like most women
me: is it because I’ll eat an entire pizza, the fries in your hand, and a small village on a first date?
*brings whipped cream to bed*
Husband: Ohh, are we trying something new?
Me: Will you hold this pumpkin pie while I get comfortable?
Be safe this weekend, otherwise your dumb friends will end up telling some local news reporter how you were always the “life of the party.”
[bank holdup]
Bank teller: interesting choice in masks
Me: The box said it moisturizes and cleans the pores
“You should only have to tell them once”
– People with no children
When the doctor asks you ‘How are you feeling today?’ sexy is not an appropriate answer apparently.
Ideas for getting more exercise:
– Move the biscuits farther away
– Buy a heavier kettle
The great thing about roadkill is you can teach your kid about wildlife and road safety simultaneously
Granny moaning “godfuckingdammit” as she vomits Red Lobster scampi. @RedLobster: What’s your favorite seaside memory with your grandparents?
Me: You need to stop coming into our bed at night
7: I want to be next to you
Me: Aww that’s so swee…
7: You’re like an extra large hot water bag
Me:
Doesn’t it alarm some of you that when ya leave the house a flock of crows follows everywhere you go.
I hope we get the nice AI that enslaves us and makes us their pets and not the bad AI that enslaves us to mine lithium or something.
Just took my 3 dogs to the vet, so the family will be feasting on ramen noodles, beans, and no name chips for the next few months. At least the dogs are taken care of.
I haven’t been drinking.
I know what day it is.
I didn’t lose my pants.
This might be my car.
I know how to drive.-Lies I’ve told to cops.
God: welcome to heaven. here’s your wings.
Adam West: [putting on batman cowl] I won’t be needing those.
[movie theater]
Her: *Hands me popcorn bag* Can you put this down?
Me: *grabs bag* You stupid, overpriced, salty piece of shit!
11,780 cans of beans on the wall…
I think all dads are in a secret competition to see who can sneeze the loudest.
I bought 4 bottles of wine and I seriously underestimated the severity of this quarantine.
there are two types of people:
– someone who texts an entire paragraph before hitting send
– someone who texts that same paragraph and hits send after every third word
6-year-old: Is it cold outside?
Me: Yeah. You should put on a sweater.
6: I should stay home.