If I ever make plans with you, please have backup plans.
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So let me get this straight: Trump supporters are butt hurt because someone overgeneralized them and called them a mean name? Oh, the irony.
My kids have been watching Bluey and they’ve started saying ‘oh biscuits’ instead of ‘oh shit,’ so don’t tell me screen time isn’t beneficial.
Me: I think I’ll try to lose 5 pounds.
HIM: That would be good.
ME: WHAT DO YOU MEAN THAT’S GOOD?
HIM: ….
ME: *rage opens Oreos*
“I should probably start filling this thing out.”
-I say about my son’s baby memory book on his wedding day.
I just asked the kid working at McDonald’s if the shamrock shakes were made with fresh shamrocks. He went to ask the manager. 😳
Live, Laugh, Love
Leer, Lunge, Lactate
Do things that start with L
A broken heart won’t kill you, but it can make you feel like dying.
I remember the exact moment growing up when I came to know that a babysitter was not someone who sat on babies.
Newton taught us that a body at rest will remain at rest, a body in motion will remain in motion, and that figs taste good in cookies.
Lackadaisical: when you have misplaced your daisical.
Interviewer: what would you say is your biggest weakness?
Me: *high pitched mocking voice* what would you say is your biggest weakness?
A lot of guys hate it when I put both my hands on their shoulders and ask if everything is all right.
The guy at the urinal next to me seems particularly upset.
When someone says “More on that later”, I hear “Moron that later.”
And I want to say “You’re moroning it now”.
If by cat person you mean I like to sleep all day and poo in sand then yes I am a cat person.
*launders Kohls cash*
Me: The door’s locked
Salt: Push it
Me: It’s locked
Pepa: Push it
Me: That won’t work, think of something else
Salt:
Pepa:
Salt:
Pepa:
Both: Push it real good?
This BMI chart says I’m starting to get too short, how do I fix this?
it was 1997 i was outside McDonald’s on Queen St age 15, an old lady barked “speak English” at a pair of young Korean men and without missing a beat one of them goes “OOooo i want a nice cup of TEA look at ME I’m ENGLISH i want to eat PLAIN TOAST” i miss him every single day
Don’t be alarmed,
you’re not a clock.
“Is this the fifth one?”
– me, drunk, watching Jurassic park in Spanish
her: what are you watching?
me: film about misconceptions of ownership and land rights of wetlands under an absolute monarchy
her:
me:
her: are you describing sh—
me: yeah it’s shrek again
I just overheard some passing 8-year-old announce that after only two days of school he has already found a girlfriend, and now I have to unpack the fact that I don’t date at even a third-grade level.
Me: How much for the goth cucumber?
Clerk: That’s a cactus…
Probably should schedule my next dentist appt for this week since I ate some street corn last night and this may be the only time I floss this year.
Me to my kid: Don’t play with the fruits, don’t use swear words
Also me: drops the apples held in my hands, exclaims “oh hell”
Recipe idea: Add ADDITIONAL cheese to your frozen pizza to make pizza with EXTRA CHEESE! (Ladies, you may pin this on your pinny web thing.)
wife: how is it outside?
me: windy. almost blew one kids hat off and some guy’s trying to figure out how to get his smart car out of a tree
The only good comments section online is on recipes
Nothing makes me scream louder during sex than when my husband calls to let me know he’s on his way home from work.
If you hate being single, imagine being with someone who sets 10 alarms to wake up each day and sleeps through every one of them.