Interviewer: what would you say is your biggest weakness?
Me: *high pitched mocking voice* what would you say is your biggest weakness?
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It should be a law that if you display a perfect family photo in your house, the six outtakes it took should be elsewhere around the house.
Cop 1: There’s been another murder
Cop 2: I think I see a pattern emerging
Cop 1: Please. Put your knitting down and focus
*hires 2 personal trainers and makes one of them train the other one*
As we lie in bed at 4am I know you’re looking at me thinking you’ve struck gold. Your hand reaches towards me and I slap it away from the cheese that just fell onto my chest.
“No” I shout through a mouthful of cold pizza “mine”
Life is a cherry tomato and I’m a plastic fork.
hey there, delilah. what’s it like in new york city? i’m not personally attracted to you, i just have a general interest in cities
I wish my car’s back-up camera had a “Save” button, because some of the expressions on their faces.
He thinks the lipstick kiss I left on his bedroom mirror was for him, but I was just kissing my reflection.
WHY IS A GROUP OF SQUIDS NOT A SQUAD
Imagine being at your therapist’s office and your card declines so your therapist spends the next hour roasting you to undo all of the progress you gained through therapy
[commercial]
“This commercial is so confusing. I wish they would just tell us what they’re selling”
narrator: Narrators
my perfume shop will have selections like eau de fresh bread, eau de sizzling bacon or eau de piping hot coffee
Found out that my girl puts peas in her Mac n Cheese… Our whole relationship is a lie… Why couldn’t she just sleep with someone else like a normal person?
Me: Who’s a good boy?
Dog: I thought we settled this.
please stand back I’m about to make this worse
“So you think you can dance.” should be the title of a Lifetime movie about strippers.
Daytime tornado warning: grab phone, radio, & flashlights, get to shelter immediately
Nighttime tornado warning: if I wake up in Oz, so be it
A little about me: I’m a beekeeper. I see a bee, I keep it. I don’t care whose bee it is. Should have been watching it better.
[watching Harry Potter in bed]
Harry: please leave
Art teacher: you were supposed to paint a tree
Rorschach: I did
We’re all 60% water, so get off your high horse “aqua” man
[looking at our kids baby photos]
me: ugh, this one came out real bad
wife: oh yeh, just get rid of it
me: ok. *shouting* TIMMY! PACK YOUR BAGS
One day my daughter will walk into the kitchen when I’m sneak-eating cookies and there will be a reckoning
Jesus watching Shrek: They really should call this Donkey.
Her: There’s a spider on the bathroom floor!
Me: See that thing at the bottom of your leg? That’s a foot. Make it land on the spider.
hey sory i just saw this mesage u sent last month even tho all my notifications make sounds and my phone is in my hand even when im sleeping
I like my ex’s like I like my coffee…
Ground up and in the freezer
Damn, i got hit with the “we need to talk” from my wife. Thank God it was just about divorce. I was scared shitless it was an intervention.
My daughter’s school held a Multicultural Night at school which was amazing, so gorgeous, informative and fun but I had to put on a good bra so I can only give it a 5/10.