Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Let’s watch Star Wars and make out every time kylo ren looks broody

8yo: I want to paint my pumpkin this year!
Me: Cool, what color?
8yo: Orange!
Me:
8yo:
Me: *pours drink* Let’s do it

Thank you for ordering this $2 necklace from Etsy. With shipping your total comes to $758,937. Item will arrive from Uzbekistan in 3 years

Whenever І wake up and see that someone has wrіtten a bunch of funny tweets before noon, І assume they are a mornіng drіnker.

There’s really no good explanation when a friend sees a ruler sitting on the end table next to your bed.

I cleared the leaves out of my flower bed because I practice good floral hygiene.

I walked a girl home last night, and things got a little awkward at one point.

She turned around and found out I was walking her home.

I don’t envy mama birds for how they have to feed their babies, but the pushing them out of the nest part sounds fun.

“Ice, Ice, Baby, Vanilla, Ice, Ice, Baby.” – Worst cocktail recipe ever

*Seductively stripping out of clothes.

Gynecologist: Please stop that.

Saltine’s slogan should be “Sorry you’re sick.”

11 famous chickens who flew the coop, number 7 will surprise you

– cluckbait

The only downside of hiring a maid is having to thoroughly clean the whole house the night before she comes so she “doesn’t think the place is a mess.”

Away on business, sitting at the hotel bar a hot lady walks over and whispers in my ear, it’s 500 for the night.

*Whispering back. How much for the whole chess set?

Social media’s ruined everything. If I saw a dead body on my walk home my first thought would be to take a pic and caption it “Mood”

Stupid seal at the zoo would not sing “kiss by a rose.” REFUND!

My gym shut down but a pizza place opened in its spot so my visits have remained pretty consistent

Anyone that says 100kg of feathers weighs the same as 100kg of steel hasn’t considered the additional weight of having to live with knowing what you did in order to procure 100kg of feathers.

Oh your baby’s name is Walter?

Is he close to retirement?

Funny how bullies only bully people who are susceptible to bullying.

They don’t bully people who’d throat punch em without thinking twice.

Yesterday I wrote an email to a customer named Trish where I apologized profusely, took ownership of our mistakes, and explained we would do anything to correct the situation. I averted disaster two seconds before I sent it when I saw my typo in the first two words, “Dear Trash,”

I put the tomatos and the ketchup right next to each other in my refrigerator just so all the food knows I have no mercy

While trying to get my toddler to sleep, I muttered “who gave you caffeine?!” She has been repeating this phrase for an hour now.

Do I write a note to the sitter explaining the situation before or after she announces that someone gave her caffeine before bed

This boot was made for walking.
This other boot was made for finding dog poop, apparently.

NATE (naive): Want to share a pickle with me? Oh wait, I don’t have a knife.
ME (has seen Lady and the Tramp): Don’t even worry, pal.

*drunkenly sliding down telephone pole wearing oven mitts*

Cop: Sir? May I ask you what you’re doing?

I’m a sexy fireman, rawr.

Me: I’m an expert at identifying birds
Her: OK, what about those ones flying over that tree?
Me: Yup, they’re all birds

Ribbon gymnastics class only it’s me trying to detangle the cord on my headphones.

Establish dominance at the dentist by trying to swallow everything they put in your mouth

The name’s Bondjamesbond. James Bondjamesbond.