@noog

Her: There’s a spider on the bathroom floor!

Me: See that thing at the bottom of your leg? That’s a foot. Make it land on the spider.

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@jwoodham

Most people don’t know this, but the North only won the Civil War because the South got half an inch of snow and they lost their damn minds.

@WickedRapunzel

If you don’t laugh EVERY time my phones screams..

“BRING OUT YOUR DEAD!”

We probably won’t be hiding a body together any time soon.

@FivePointsVids

I do this awesome move at the dance club with my shoulders where i slump them down and go back to my hotel and violently masturbate

@Brianhopecomedy

Give a man a fish and he can eat for a day. Teach a 4 year old how to turn on the TV and you can sleep for an extra hour.

@WheelTod

That awkward moment when you lazily follow someone cos of 1 funny joke, then realize all the rest of their stuff is KKK recruitment material

@TEXASVETERAN

My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.

*knocks on morning wood*

@urgeekisshowing

I’m writing a horror story. It’s about a girl who forgets her headphones and her colleagues think it’s ok to talk to her. So much blood.

@deloisivete

Me: *about to go into a meeting*

My anxiety: you pronounce “template” weird

@WilliamRodgers

“My mind is telling me nooo… But my body… My body’s telling me yesss…BABY”

Cashier: Sir…would you like fries with that or not?