Her: There’s a spider on the bathroom floor!
Me: See that thing at the bottom of your leg? That’s a foot. Make it land on the spider.
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Why don’t we raise more chickens that lay Cadbury Creme Eggs so we can have them year-round?
“Go Paperless!” they tell you on a full extra sheet of paper.
I made my kids some Simba shaped pancakes, but my 2yo wouldn’t eat Simba and she started crying. I felt like a savage telling her to eat simba, so I cut Simba’s ears off, I realized my mistake when I saw the horror in her face, and now everyone is traumatized.
Everyone on FB is posting the status- I voted. I guess it’s truthful Tuesday so I posted- I once killed a hobo & hid his body in a barrel.
Me: how d’ya like them apples?
Dr: *hisses and retreats into the shadows*
Give me a few strong men, and I’ll build a nation. Give me a few hot women, and I’ll conquer the world.
Two days in a row someone has tried using my Apple Card to buy flowers. Buddy, walk over to your neighbors garden and steal some roses like a real man. The world has gone soft.
I react to seeing a pizza the way most women react when they see a baby. It makes me want another one of my own.
Dr: How are your new pills working?
Me: I cry, eat & want to sleep a lot
Dr: Those are common side effects
Me: Oh. They’re working fine then
If Mother Earth were real she’d leave us all outside the fire station.
Throwing away expired eggs like some sort of millionaire
Dear car commercials,
You probably don’t mean to scare me but “German engineering” is also why I don’t have so many cousins today.
I love when I make people laugh so hard they spit out their water…
Or food…
Or baby…
the kids’ music school announced a summer live family dance jam every wed at 11am, yeah ok, schedule this at a respectable drinking hour if you expect me to do this, but also, no
Autocorrect completely socks
I used to be sad about the climate apocalypse but i went on a few dates and, honestly, i’m ready now
DATE: you smell so nice – what are you wearing?
ME: Febreeze
Back in the day, with $2 bucks you could go to the store and walk out with a bunch of Doritos, and beer. Now they have security cameras.
Humans: Okay, so
Dog Negotiator: Yes
Humans: Uh
Dog Negotiator: Absolutely. We’ll do it
Humans: I haven’t even
Dog Negotiator: I love you
Get married so when you pour your heart out, someone is always there to say, ‘what?’
I just accidentally read “Federal” as “Feral” and it made zero difference to the article.
Hey microwaves that make me hit a “time” button before I start pressing numbers: what else would I be trying to do here, make a phone call?
Cats are weird. They look at you like they want to set you on fire then look all surprised when you toss them into the ceiling fan.
im always more attracted to women wearing glasses, like deep down i know naturally poor eyesight provides my best chances
Waitress: ‘Do u have any questions about the menu?’
Me: ‘What kind of font is this?’
crazy that a bridge collapsed. i better check twitter, esteemed symposium for civil engineers and nautical navigators
[teaching son to swim]
Me: get this wrong & you die
For someone who hates the circus, I sure have dated a lot of clowns.
“Sure, you could bury it but hear me out.”
Taxidermy is invented.
*wife sees me grab emergency kit from trunk after getting a flat tire*
calm down brent just call a tow tru*I’m already shooting flare gun*