Her: There’s a spider on the bathroom floor!

Me: See that thing at the bottom of your leg? That’s a foot. Make it land on the spider.

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Most people don’t know this, but the North only won the Civil War because the South got half an inch of snow and they lost their damn minds.


If you don’t laugh EVERY time my phones screams..


We probably won’t be hiding a body together any time soon.


I do this awesome move at the dance club with my shoulders where i slump them down and go back to my hotel and violently masturbate


Give a man a fish and he can eat for a day. Teach a 4 year old how to turn on the TV and you can sleep for an extra hour.


That awkward moment when you lazily follow someone cos of 1 funny joke, then realize all the rest of their stuff is KKK recruitment material


My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.

*knocks on morning wood*


I’m writing a horror story. It’s about a girl who forgets her headphones and her colleagues think it’s ok to talk to her. So much blood.


Me: *about to go into a meeting*

My anxiety: you pronounce “template” weird


“My mind is telling me nooo… But my body… My body’s telling me yesss…BABY”

Cashier: Sir…would you like fries with that or not?