Her: There’s a spider on the bathroom floor!

Me: See that thing at the bottom of your leg? That’s a foot. Make it land on the spider.

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I bet every time Beyoncé leaves a restaurant everyone fights over who gets to smell her chair


Read someone say, “just had a Starbucks lemon water with sugar Yumm!”

I never claimed to have an IQ higher than the temperature inside a refrigerator but I believe that’s called lemonade..


Me: lets go on a date
Her: umm
Me: what could go wrong
*25 minutes later we are being chased by a pack of raccoons*


He thinks the stuffed animals in my room are creepy, but I can’t think of a cuter way to hide all those cameras.


Me: “ahhh there’s the money shot”

Sniper: would you get your chin off my shoulder?


The egg whites carton in my fridge looked like the creamer carton and now I have omelette coffee.


*sharpens claws of two dozen lobsters*

*sets loose in back yard*

*never mows again*


I’m ok with women faking it in bed. I faked everything to get her there.


My friend thinks her husband is cheating on her. I don’t have the heart to tell her he’s just out chasing Pokemon.


Ichabod Crane in the streets the headless horseman in the sheets