Most people don’t know this, but the North only won the Civil War because the South got half an inch of snow and they lost their damn minds.
Her: There’s a spider on the bathroom floor!
Me: See that thing at the bottom of your leg? That’s a foot. Make it land on the spider.
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If you don’t laugh EVERY time my phones screams..
“BRING OUT YOUR DEAD!”
We probably won’t be hiding a body together any time soon.
Hiphop cereal idea: Ludacrisp
I do this awesome move at the dance club with my shoulders where i slump them down and go back to my hotel and violently masturbate
Give a man a fish and he can eat for a day. Teach a 4 year old how to turn on the TV and you can sleep for an extra hour.
That awkward moment when you lazily follow someone cos of 1 funny joke, then realize all the rest of their stuff is KKK recruitment material
My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*
I’m writing a horror story. It’s about a girl who forgets her headphones and her colleagues think it’s ok to talk to her. So much blood.
Me: *about to go into a meeting*
My anxiety: you pronounce “template” weird
“My mind is telling me nooo… But my body… My body’s telling me yesss…BABY”
Cashier: Sir…would you like fries with that or not?