I’ve not watched The Traitors and to be honest it’s not as good as not watching Love Island
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Remember to check on elderly neighbours in this hot weather, as they usually have ice creams in the freezer.
I hate when you go to church and another guy is wearing the same goat mask.
The prince in Cinderella wasted 0 time suggesting he inspect the feet of every woman in his kingdom
everything in the world is about sex, except Uno. Uno is about power
If my mother only knew the things I say on Twitter………. I’d be sitting in the corner with a bar of soap in my mouth and grounded.
6’5″ guy: [starts a fight with me at the bar]
me: [hides behind GF]
GF: HEY, WHAT THE F-
me: look, we need more strong female lead char-
Men always be like “if you liked me, why didn’t you say something” like ?! bro I am literally out here clutching my rose quartz pendant and saying your name three times with my eyes closed every night before I fall asleep.
What more could I have done?
Take my daughter once, shame on you. Take her twice, shame on me. Take her 3 times, and you’re ruining the franchise.
Blowing your load on a girl counts as a baby shower right ?
“They call me Mr Six Hours,” I told her, trying to make it sound like a sex thing not the amount of time my head was stuck in a beehive for
Student Teacher: okay class, who knows what an oxymoron is
Kid: you’re an oxymoron
Student Teacher: well yes technically that is correct
Mick Jagger: Hey Keith, come hold my new baby.
Keith holding baby, whispers to it: I’m going to out live you too.
Never kick a porcupine wearing flip flops. Cause they’re obviously on vacation and why ruin their holiday?
too old for tik tok, too young for facebook, too weird for linkedin, not weird enough for reddit, too ugly for instagram…where will i go now
“You can’t come in here with a dog.”
“I’m blind. It’s my seeing eye dog.”
“No way. They don’t breed Chihuahua service dogs.”
“They gave me a Chihuahua?”
everybody has a drawer in their home that contains both garbage and the most important documents a human can have
He just always looks at me like I’ve wronged him
Me: I’m in tears
Bored people on the internet: DO YOU KNOW HOW OFFENSIVE THAT IS TO PEOPLE WITH DRY EYE??
If you need anything you can call me any time of the day or night. I won’t answer and my ringer will be off, so it won’t bother me at all.
Me: my imposter syndrome is pretty bad. I feel like I don’t deserve to be here, I’m not good enough
Satan: what
I’m having an orange at work, and the dogs keep looking at me like, “stop eating that ball, dude.”
I’m so tired of all this cheap chicanery! Sir, where do you keep the expensive chicanery?
Today in my classroom
Me: I almost didn’t come in to work today
Student: oh, where do you work?
Who does Amazon think I am?
My 13 y.o. son told me that when he hits 99 pounds, he wants to eat one pound of nachos on his own so he can be 1% nacho.
[forgetting the phrase “your honor”] not guilty, hammer daddy
“Can I copy your homework?”
“Sure, just change a few things so it’s not that obvious.”
“Ok.”
who called it hell and not heaven’t
My wife will fix her hair before she puts on a seat belt in the car because if she dies, she WILL LOOK GOOD dammit.
The guy sitting nearest to me on the plane is a wizard. He pulled birthday cake out of his backpack!!! A stingy wizard because he didn’t share, but still…