In spite of what you might have heard, some pretty magical things happen behind dirty dumpsters in shady alleys.
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boss: you’ve been late 3 times this week, u know what that means
me: it must be Wednesday
[Getting ready to go out]
Her: Is that what you’re wearing?
Narrator: He thought it was, but he was wrong.
Oh, you think it’s “awkward” going to a wedding by yourself? Try going when you’ve dated both the bride & groom.
Doctor: Is there a chance you might be pregnant?
Me: If I am, I’ll be giving birth to some batteries.
Excuse me miss, you’re a cat – a man who doesn’t know how to cat call
Haters will say my strike wasn’t valid just because I bowled it with a rotisserie chicken.
Me: Finally, time to sleep!
Brain: ahem
Me: oh God please no
Brain: I was thinking we could sing that catchy commercial jingle. 87 times.
me: THAT’S IT YOU’RE GROUNDED
son: [shrugs]
me: U LOSE UR PHONE
son: ok
me: AND UR COMPUTER
son: whatever
me: AND…AND…
son: [smirks]
me: NO GRAVITY FOR A WEEK
son: wait, no- [smacks into ceiling]
After many years of cat ownership you really understand cats… until you get a second cat.
Cinderella is my favorite story of a guy who couldn’t remember what the love of his life looked like.
Was at a political event recently (not my usual scene), MP was selling raffle tickets to support a potential parliamentary candidate.
I asked him how much they were.
He said “It’s five pound a strip”
I said “Do I get to choose the music?”
Just looked at me then walked off 🤣
Passive aggressive has never been my thing, I prefer chasing you with a chainsaw.
Top uses for Golf Balls:
1. Describing hail storms
2. Describing tumors
3. Playing golf
using AI to expand this shot in Fast & Furious 6 and achieve the filmmakers true vision 😌🙏
Skipping rocks with 11 at the lake thinking how great it is she’s not looking at a screen when she says, “This is fun, do you think there’s an app for this?”
My dog sets an impossible bar for how I should greet my wife when she comes home.
Jeff Bezos inches closer to becoming Pitbull
Cop: raise your hands
Me: ok, but if you looked down you’d see the same thing
C: ma’am?
M: they’re right there
C: how high are you?
M: yes
To make my guests comfortable, I always put a sign in the bathroom that says “Don’t worry, I cleaned, those are permanent stains.”
Just made an appointment with a cardiologist. Don’t be alarmed, I’m sure all my cardigans are fine. I just wanna make sure they fit.
There’s 3 parents in my kids lives and each of us does our best to raise them as best as we can.
My husband is great with playing games with them.
I’m good at taking them outside to play.
And Stevie the TV babysits them the rest of the day.
One of my main goals as a parent is to provide my kid with enough amenities that she would never ask me to take her camping.
Are rhetorical questions really necessary?
Police Sketch Artist: We need to get his face out there ASAP. I’m going to need you to describe him to me.
Me: He looked like the type of person who wouldn’t be ashamed to ride a tricycle in public.
Police Sketch Artist: *pencil poised* Um…
Me: That’s all I got my man.
*carries 11 grocery bags into house in one trip*
*locks keys in trunk*
Guys, if you want to make a girl moan, tremble, and scream: be a spider.
A brother from my ward really ticked me off this week, so I made sure to get my family to church early and take the pew his family usually sits in.
That f****** terrifying moment when you open your phone with a wet thumb and it starts automatically calling everyone on your contact list.
YO TWITTER PLEASE PLEASE HELP ME OUT. THIS IS MY DREAM AND WOULD BE BEYOND BLESSED IF YALL CAN HELP A DUDE OUT. RETWEET!!!
Cat: I am a MAJESTIC POWERFUL creature of the night
Me: I will call you Mr Fuzzypants