Haters will say my strike wasn’t valid just because I bowled it with a rotisserie chicken.
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Tbh I don’t even wanna know what they did
If you’re gonna have kids you’d better be prepared to make sacrifices. Chickens, goats, the occasional human, whatever the Dark Lord demands
I can’t believe this Avengers movie will be the last one before the next one comes out.
[fancy restaurant]
me: isn’t this dim lighting so romantic?
moth date: [shrugs]
Want to change your name without any legal hassles? Just come up with a new pronunciation, the government isn’t even keeping track of that. Congratulations Brenda, you’re Breenday now and no one can stop you
Hot chick at the bar just said that she’s gonna do something stupid tonight…
…I informed her that I only had a 1.75 GPA in high school.
i hope jessica biel names her first child ‘batmo”
My insurance company said if my tent is stolen while I’m camping, I won’t be covered.
I have many hidden talents. Just wish I could find ’em.
Replying to peoples selfies with the phone number to a dermatologist is not OK.
I’ll stop now.
2020 feels like trying to jog while both of your feet are asleep.
Good news: My son cleaned his room
Bad news: He found his harmonica
Me: I would like this urn
Clerk: of course, sir. Who is it for?
Me: my wife
Clerk: oh, I’m so sorry
[later]
Wife: no I do not like my Christmas present
I just hit my toe and it was at that moment I realized I spoke 4 different languages
Anyone who says living well is the best revenge has clearly never relocated a bat colony while their enemy was at work.
[undercover as a mom]
Me: my little Timmy is 6 years old now
Other moms: *narrow eyes*
Me: *sweating* i meant uh, 72 months
lol – getting pizza slice and the guy in front of me (trying to banter with the cashier) is like “you made mine with extra love right” and the cashier very solemnly and Eastern European accentedly said “it’s made with normal amount pepperoni”
Me: You’re supposed to be in bed. 11-year-old: I tried. Me: You tried? 11: It didn’t stick.
Why is rage the only thing you hear about people seething with? Where are the people seething with happiness?
at its core, Harry Potter is a beautiful story about the value of having a hot mom
4-year-old: Why do robbers steal money?
Me: So they can buy stuff.
4: Why don’t they just steal the stuff?
She’s a criminal mastermind.
Yeah ok whatever, bassist. Stand over there being all tall and quiet and keeping the rhythm together. Just look at the drummer and exchange your little knowing glances like you know you want to.
I love how once you hit 30 every conversation can be turned into a competition for how little effort was put into pulling a muscle.
*getting eyelashes done* just glue them shut I’ve seen enough
intermittent fasting? i just slept 7 hours without a snack what more do you want from me?
My dog has been sleeping on the floor right below me so if I get off the couch he knows that I’ve moved. He’s been lying there for 5 hours. We’re both dedicated to our lifestyles
DOCTOR: At a guess, how much alcohol do you drink in a day?
ME: Hardly any
D: That’s excellent
ME [swigs vodka] But I’m a terrible guesser
I’d like to take a moment to thank everyone who took time out of her or his busy schedule to tell me, “omg you look like hell.”
Fly wife: Notice anything?
Fly husband: …
Fly wife: Seventeen thousand eyes and not one spots my new haircut
Music Royalty Succession Chart
Queen
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Prince
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Duke Ellington
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Steve Earle
|
Lorde
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Lady Gaga
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Sir Mix-a-Lot