If you’re gonna have kids you’d better be prepared to make sacrifices. Chickens, goats, the occasional human, whatever the Dark Lord demands
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Me typing: univrsity
Autocorrect: Hey I caught a typo.
Me: Haha oops.
Autocorrect: You meant to say “U never city”
Me: Why would I say that?
Autocorrect: I fixed it and sent it to your dad.
“For I am Christ the Redeemer, He Who Saves!”- Jesus, using his coupons.
Wife just fell off the bed and I laughed so hard that I’ll be sleeping on the couch tonight.
When assembling your dog, please read the instructions carefully.
MOM: Any plans tonight?
ME: Me and the guys heading out to find us some ladees *shoots finger guns
HER: So Pokemon Go with Gary?
M: Yessss
I love the people in parking lots with “free kittens” signs because I too feel that kittens shouldn’t be oppressed.
I’m convinced that if Earth explodes all the cats will land safely on the moon, on their feet.
i’m really good at reading people’s true feelings from their words. for example, my wife said “i love how you’ll just leave the dirty dishes in the sink and wait for me to do them,” but i was able to determine that she does not, in fact, love that
[meeting at the headquarters of literally any app]
good morning everyone, let’s get started. the first and only item on our agenda is, how do we make this app worse
Where did you come from, where did you go?
Where did you come from
Hangman is a lovely childhood game where you slowly draw a man killing himself if another kid can’t read your mind.
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife: I hate your corduroys
[on a date]
*wonders if she’ll steal my fries while I use the restroom*
*shakes Magic 8 ball*
“YES”
*takes plate of fries with me*
I used to hold the flashlight for my dad, but now I hold the flashlight for myself. I still can’t see anything. The same amount of swearing is involved.
“Get a parrot,” they said. “It’ll be fun,” they said. “Get a parrot,” the parrot said. “It’ll be fun,” the parrot said.
Yesterday I drove past a sperm bank that had gone out of business.
I guess that means no one came.
BREAKING: area man is calculated by height times width
Obviously the Asian gentleman I saw flush the urinal with a karate kick doesn’t mind perpetuating stereotypes.
If mice just casually sauntered from room to room cats would probably leave them alone.
The International Space Station was assembled IN SPACE.
I can’t follow one page of illustrated instructions to assemble an IKEA dresser.
[5 min into first date]
Her: I have a pug named Piglet-
Me: [motioning waiter for check] I’d like to go meet him rn
Enjoy your 30s cause in your 40s your check knees light comes on
someone is getting married down the street from me and their wedding geofilter works at my house
My husband totally underestimates my ability to participate fully in a conversation, yet not pay any attention. AT ALL.
my brain: you have over a thousand unread emails
me: yes
my brain: are you ever going to read them?
me: no
my brain: then delete them
me: no
“Shelley’s coming over.”
“Shelley from work or Shelley who was raised by gorillas?”
*gets hit in the face with poop*
Took my puppy to the vet today and they distracted him with a cozy bed, cookies, and cheese so my gynecologist needs to up their game.
[Ventriloquist Mafia]
“Oh we have ways of making people talk.”
Wife: can you make the bed
Me, a failed carpenter: ok that’s low, Sharon
I tried some Dirty Dancing in a neighbour’s herb garden. I had the thyme of my life.