Me typing: univrsity
Autocorrect: Hey I caught a typo.
Me: Haha oops.
Autocorrect: You meant to say “U never city”
Me: Why would I say that?
Autocorrect: I fixed it and sent it to your dad.
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I hate when someone throws shade at me, and then I have to drag out my axe and chop down the whole tree and let it fall on them.
Timber, dipshit.
The houseplant died inside, so I threw it out, and now it’s growing in the driveway just to spite me.
me: how did he die?
him: he was trampled by a gang of elephants
me: a parade
him: no it’ll just be a regular funeral
My kid, “mumma, what is ‘u’ doing in the spelling of a building?”.
Reminder: Please just hit the “RT” button on my tweets if you’re ugly. Don’t want people associating your busted face with my art.
I don’t know who needs to hear this but putting the dead batteries in the junk drawer does not charge them
Life is ruff.
-anonymous dog
When I was 12 I found a document on our family computer with my name on it where my mom wrote that I was “witty, which can be irritating” like damn lady name that document taxes2001 or something.
HEADS UP: I was at just at the mall and they must’ve recently installed those speed bumps that scream in pain
Every time my husband pisses me off, I sprinkle sugar on his deodorant so he’s wondering all day why his armpit hair is so sticky.
My stepson and his friend are driving around in my car. If he wrecks it, I have insurance. If he plays Nickelback in it, I’ll murder him.
Wife: I had a terrible night’s sleep. Tossed and turned. Couldn’t get comfortable. It’s only 6 AM and I’m in such a horrible mood already. How did you sleep?
Me [who slept 8 straight hours and didn’t get up once to pee]: Same.
I think it’d be neat if mermaids had a clam flip phone
[looks up from laptop while updating résumé]
son, you’re good with computers
“I’m alright”
how do I find pictures of mean looking dinosaurs?
Just saw a woman in Starbucks who was 10% scarf and like 90% boot.
Every time my kid says “Dad, remember when…” in front of his friends I know I’m about to hear the craziest lie and I’m all in on it
Nice try little pine tree air freshener, but this gas station restroom needs the efforts of an entire forest.
It took me a good two minutes of trying to figure out why I put the freezer food in the cupboard, before I remembered that I have kids who wanted to help put the groceries away
Oh you thought I sent you that red balloon emoji 🎈 as a happy birthday message?
No.
I meant that I hope a freaky clown tries to kill you.
My dog just tracked and successfully located a folium lanceolatum, more commonly known as a leaf.
Mark Zuckerberg has the right to your firstborn male child. You agreed to this when you played FarmVille in 2009.
if you are a fly, please ignore this tweet
Before crowbars crows drank alone
MyChart App: You have a new message in MyChart
Email: You have a new message in MyChart
Text message: You have a new message in MyChart
Skywriter: You have a new message in MyChart
The Rosetta Stone: You have a new message in MyChart
Boy: do u have any fantasies
Me: ok.. so.. the library of alexandria is under siege& Im a librarian whos good at fighting& I save the books
A turn signal, but if you use it, your car catches on fire
~ the guy in front of me, apparently
me: how did you get ink all over your skirt?
wife: oh umm, the printer at work exploded
dave the squid: [in the closet] just tell him about us
“even if my client did kill his wife, think of the 7.4 billion people he DIDN’T kill.”
– my first and last day as a defense attorney
I cried when my dentist told me I needed two implants and a crown because I can finally realize my dream of being a sexy princess.
I have no tolerance for people who refuse to give different voices to characters in a book they’re reading to their kid.