“i’m really more of a dog person.” — werewolf
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24 astronauts were born in Ohio. What is about your state that makes people want to flee the Earth?
The dress code for my wedding should have been red flags.
the highest compliment is someone asking for ur soup recipe and the highest ego swell is telling them there isn’t one
I’m sure a spider is never scrutinized for spending too much time on the web.
I avoid paying bills by yelling, ” Not it!” and throwing the envelopes back at the mail lady.
If y’all are gonna insist on calling those things “hoverboards,” I’ll be over here flying around with my “jetpack.”
My 8-year-old has been explaining his video game to me since 2003
Cucumbers Anonymous
I bet ghost anatomy is an easy course
I’ve studied enough modern theater to know that inviting another couple over for dinner never ends well.
ME: so what do you do
GUY: I’m an oral surgeon
ME: *imagining him doing heart surgery with just his mouth* wow I bet you’re a helluva kisser
Kid comedians are all like “any of y’all ever had parents? Shew God, let me tell y’all about parents”
Just caught a glimpse of myself naked –
Apologies in advance to my coroner
Me: kill me now!
Murderer, from behind curtain: i was going to surprise you
SANTA, tied up, black eye: You boys are in a lot of trouble with Mrs. Claus.
HEAD KIDNAPPER: Oh really? And what is she going to do? Bake cookies at us?
SANTA: Well, no. But before we were married, she was Head Valkyrie of Valhalla.
HK: Is…is that so?
*distant Wagner music*
Its trashy to reveal your special attack on the first date
eating mac and cheese in 64 bites is called mine kraft
All I’m saying is “curb side pickup” meant something different when I was growing up.
gf: that guy hit on me, make him pay
me: [to guy] u need to buy our drinks
Rock bottom implies the existence of paper bottom and scissors bottom.
GENIE: u can’t wish for more wishes
ME: i wish u had permanent irritable bowel syndrome
GENIE: *sweating* ha ha then again rules are meant to be broken
Someone needs to reimagine Dracula as a sugar glider
[murders Aquaman with some super absorbent paper towels]
Driving along the expressway and a truck with an open tailgate just bounced a cooler into the lane ahead of me and I didn’t even panic all those years of Mario Kart finally paid off
Alarm clock set for 6:00 am
Bladder set for 5:54 am
Age is just a number in the same way that a killer whale is just a fish.
ME: hey guys what’s the herps?
HIM: u mean haps?
M: oh, haha yea. what’s the itch?—I mean sitch
H: uh
M: hows it herpin?
H:
M: I have herpes
Dunno how you Americans have the motivation and energy to pronounce the ‘y’ in ‘basil’ and ‘tomatoes’.
My wife is integrating herself back into life after recovering from surgery the past 2 months. The kids now keep telling her “well dad doesn’t do it that way, he does…” About everything. So it’s going well. This couch is perfectly comfortable too.
Save your money- instead of a swear jar, just wash your mouth out with cilantro