Rock bottom implies the existence of paper bottom and scissors bottom.
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“I’m not falling for that again” I say as I’m about to fall for whatever that is, again
Def Leppard is short for Definitely Can’t Spell Leopard
Someone asked me what role I would play in a zombie apocalypse and I’d love to say I’d be some heroic zombie slayer but in my heart I know I’m the guy who gets bit and lies to everyone about it
Autocorrect changed “you flatter me” to “you flatten me” and shit just got really weird.
me to the dentist: can u make my teeth more how u say al dente
He’s GUILTY! KILL HIM! Inject poison DIRECTLY INTO HIS VEINS!
But first give him whatever he wants to eat; we’re not savages.
someone just broke into my house and inhaled all my air guitars
If you lean on the car horn for more than 2 seconds, the airbag should deploy and shatter your hand against your own forehead.
Sent out a mass text invite to my pity party & Autocorrect turned it into a pita party. Now I’m eating hummus with people I don’t even like.
Valentine’s Day in a cardiac surgeon’s house
Wife opening cooler: this had better be chocolates
I was in a band called Click Bait. You won’t believe the kind of music we recorded. Track number 5 will blow your mind.
Had a dream I went to the chiropractor in a shirt that showed some of my back.
Chiropractor: Do you think you have a fungus on your back?
Me: Do YOU think I have a fungus on my back? YOU’RE looking at it.
I don’t trust kids as far as I can throw them. Currently my record for trusting a kid is 6 feet 11-1/4 inches.
Lou loved his job but if he had a nickel for every time someone asked if he was “monitoring the situation” he would never have to pay for another rat dinner.
*Timmy cries from the bottom of the well
*Lassie takes gloves off, looks both ways, then walks away casually
My Girlfriend wanted a cat. I didn’t want a cat. So we compromised and we got a cat…
Select the reason for canceling your order:
◽️Item(s) would not arrive on time
◽️Need to change shipping address
☑️ I was drunk
One of my buddies lost his right arm in a car accident which is a huge bummer, so much money wasted on tattoos
“You’re never going to believe this, but my doctor just told me I’ve got a protein deficiency.”
“No whey!”
“OH MY GOD YOU’RE A DOG HEY SMELL ME I’M A DOG TOO” – dogs
[being murdered by cows]
more like (finger quotes) “moodered” amirite
[the other farm animals immediately join in, even some corn is mad]
Essential oils? You mean WD40?
The answer to the question, “do these jeans still fit” depends on whether or not I actually have to sit down at any point.
Anxiety causes your body to store fat so that’s one more thing to be anxious about.
flight attendant: as u can see the captain has turned on the no murdering sign
[guy next to me is still murdering someone]
me: um excuse me
Be careful who you piss off around here because some people use caps lock
[at the mall]
LITTLE KID: i’m lost
ME: you’re at the mall
I have decided to leave my past behind me, so if I owe you money… I’m sorry, but I’ve moved on, and maybe it’s time that you do too.
Me: would you trade me for a younger woman?
H: oh honey age doesn’t matter! I’d trade for someone who doesn’t talk through the game.
Painting up my car like an orca and running limousines off the road