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Baby Bella mushroom: Where did I come from?
Full of shiitake biology teacher:
Well when umami and udadi who love each other very much…
[movie theater]
*reaches into wife’s purse*
*pulls out lasagna*
me: Told you it’d work
You think you’re in pretty good shape and then you shovel two feet of snow and wake up the next day feeling like you threw yourself off of a skyscraper.
in a senior moment, i forgot the word for bologna, so I said, “you know…ummm…hotdog pancakes!”
[Parker Brothers Meeting: 1903]
Boss: We need a tedious game that will last for hours & tear families apart.
And Monopoly was born.
how it started vs how it ended
My mom called and gave me the weekly weather report. I can’t wait to do this to my kids.
Sorry I declined your Facebook friend request, but I can’t have those sideburns popping up in my news feed unannounced.
This day in history. 1999. Eminem’s mother sued him for 10 million dollars acting on behalf of the family swear jar.
Explained to my 9 yo how programming works:
1. You have something you want to do.
2. You write code to do it.
3. The code doesn’t work.
4. You fix the mistakes.
5. When the program works, you realize your idea was wrong.
6. You fix the idea.
7. Goto 2.
Another Fast and Furious movie coming in 2023 if they don’t name it Fast 10 Your Seatbelts I’m going to be very disappointed.
gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️
Today’s kids will never know how to play Minesweeper – because neither did we 😂
Me: My name is Helen and I think I may be an alcoholic
Insurance Agent: Lady this is AAA, not AA
Me: Oh I know. I’m just telling you the story of how my car ended up in a tree
Humans use the term “invasive species” like somebody invited them to all 7 continents.
Looking for someone willing to kill a man who has wronged me. Unfortunately I can’t pay but would be good exposure for an emerging murderer
“Sorbet” is a French word that means, “I wish it was ice cream.”
What the fire inspector sees when he opens my office closet.
The kids are upset we’re having chicken and peas for dinner which means our dog is very happy we’re having chicken and peas for dinner.
I wonder how many people die each year as a result of lifeguards running in slow motion.
Anyone else ever wondered how long it would take a giraffe to throw up ?
Does the smell of burnt hot dogs and sour bologna turn you on? If so, I work with a guy that I’d like you to meet.
Tony Hawk, age 6
If you ghost me, I assume one of two things happened
1: you fell in love with me really quickly and overwhelmingly and you couldn’t handle it and knew I would ruin your life forever because of how amazing I am
2: you died
Welcome to your 50s. You’re pretty laid back about everything now –
except when the GODDAMN SQUIRRELS get in your bird feeders with the expensive food with peanuts, pecans, and chunks of suet–I THOUGHT THESE WERE SQUIRRELPROOF FEEDERS!!!!
ME: I have the blood of my enemies on my face and hands
BF: That’s salsa
[last taco on my plate is visibly shaking]
if they go extinct, would they be goodbyenas?
Me: *finally understanding how change machines work* ahh ok that makes cents
It’s so awkward when a bird arrives back at its nest and the worms in its mouth realise that wasn’t just a free aerial tour of the city.
I’m tired of explaining myself. Someone else do it for me.