I wonder how many people die each year as a result of lifeguards running in slow motion.
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Health food? Baby, my body is a ’93 Honda hatchback with a headlight out. I’m not about to start putting premium gas in it now.
Hey did you guys hear me do that pushup?
I keep a survival log when I’m forced to fast before bloodwork…so yes I can be a little dramatic when hungry.
I’m not going to pay a million dollars to go see a Macbeth movie when I can print off the Shakespeare script for free and go be all the characters in my car
At the motel:
Front Desk: And here’s your key card sir ..
Me: I’d like a wakeup call.
FD: You’re 20 lbs. overweight and your fly’s open.
Dear Amazon, I bought a toilet seat because I needed one. Necessity, not desire. I do not collect them. I am not a toilet seat addict. No matter how temptingly you email me, I’m not going to think, oh go on then, just one more toilet seat, I’ll treat myself.
There is “Tea” in Team and I am not sure what I am trying to say here but it’s very inspirational.
Ambivalence is me knowing that I gotta fit into this bridesmaid’s dress but also that these ice cream flavors mix really well together.
There should be a second ashes they play at night when all the players have had a few
Cops: you’re not allowed to drink in a moving car
Some Guy: what if it’s a really long car
Cops: oh well that’s different
#ProTip
Turbulence is when the airplane hits someone’s family photos backed up in the cloud.
There is no “I” in TEAM. But there is MEAT.
Delicious meat.
Your mom when the street lights been on 6 minutes and you’re not home yet.
cop: you’re so busted
me: thanks. I just had them done
My new hobby is adding unnecessary adjectives like “frozen ice cubes” or “granulated sand” and watching people’s eyes twitch.
I’m glad that when you shoot, you shoot to kill … because shooting to merely wound seems kinda mean.
Save your voice calling for your kids. Just open a bag of chips and they’ll materialize out of nowhere.
Someone gave me a star as a gift. I’m planning on sprucing it up with some planets and asteroids and using it as a summer vacation spot.
Who called it Thanksgiving and not the Nightmare before Christmas?
Husband: How did the toaster break?
Me: I have no idea. I only dropped it once.
Even when food is heaven on Earth
my husband adds hot sauce till it tastes like satan.
IRONMAN 3 SPOILER ALERT: Tony’s all “pffsh whatever I’m Ironman” then he’s all “JARVIS HELP” then he’s sad but then it’s like whaaaaat.
boss: my secretary said you needed to see me urgently.
me confident I’ll get the raise I want because I found out his gamer tag: that’s right punished_gordon.
boss: somebody stole the office thesaurus
me: I perceive your concern however I am not cognizant of the perpetrator
Squirrel having fun.. 😅
Golf would be better with landmines.
Interviewer: Can you explain this gap in your CV?
Me: Yes, that’s when I didn’t have a job.
due to inflation you can now eat food that has been on the floor for up to 7.3 seconds
GF: I’m sick of you pretending you’re a detective. We should split up
ME: Good idea. We can cover more ground that way.