Interviewer: Can you explain this gap in your CV?
Me: Yes, that’s when I didn’t have a job.
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Congrats, YouTube. the algorithm really nailed my 10 year-old with ads for boxed wine, divorce attorneys and the swiffer wet jet
Watching my mother-in-law order at Starbucks is like watching a drunk gorilla try to start a car with a french fry.
Dear fork,
I just wanted to inform you that you have a son. His name is Spork.
Love always,
Spoon PS: he has your hair.
MMA – where men fight other men in their underpants.
The sign at the pool says,
Children Under 12 Require Supervision.I guess anyone over 12 is allowed in with only normal eyesight.
Son: “Mom, Dad we need to talk…. I’m a vegan”
**Mom cries running out the room
Dad: Why can’t you just have a normal eating disorder?
okay run it by me one more time
huge valentines day plans this year!!
I was flattered when my crush added her stick figure to my mini van. I can’t wait to hear what my wife thinks…
I hope someday they make tombstones that have a short repetitive video of the deceased person, so that my last words can be “I’ll be back in a gif!”
Soccer was only invented to sell more yellow cards.
please please tell me that benedict cumberbatch’s middle initial is Q
My little brother tried his first edible and is currently writing the worst statuses ever
SCIENTIST: You are my finest creation, and I love you like a son even though you’ve malfunctioned and now only say-
ROBOT: Fight me, dipshit
After watching Honey Boo Boo, I realize America has much bigger problems than the national debt.
“so she’s gay now?”
yeah she turned in all the paperwork last week and her acceptance letter came this morning, it was all pretty sudden
It sucks when you & your pal show up at a party wearing the same shirt…and an hour in, his chest hair starts sticking to your back.
Guys waiting their turn for a haircut are a barbercue.
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Yeah
Cop: Oh ok nevermind
Husband: How much Halloween candy should we get?
Me: We went through 2 pounds last year.
Husband: We didn’t have any trick-or-treaters last year.
Me: *death glare*
Work tip: Anytime someone leaves a room, ominously say, “And they never saw him again.”
One of Santas reindeer served in the army with Tina Turner. Back then he was known as Private Dancer.
I fold my laundry just like everyone else. About 3 weeks after the dryer buzzes.
Me: *leads her to bedroom* This is where the magic happens.
Her: Nice
*4 rabbits jump out of a hat as a flower squirts water in her eye
How we blocked people in the 90s 😄
Anyone else ever hit the pizza button on the microwave and hope that pizza would be there?
The birds that suddenly appear every time I’m near are circling vultures.
I’m working on a movie about the life of Pennywise the clown after he quits killing kids to pursue a career in sticky notes called: Post-It
Wife thinks I was present for every conversation she’s had with anyone, ever, and assumes I know what the hell she’s talking about right now
But most of all, I regret that my actions have led to negative consequences for me