Interviewer: Can you explain this gap in your CV?
Me: Yes, that’s when I didn’t have a job.
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Those who run away from me are afraid that they might confess their love to me.
According to scientists, money can reportedly carry more germs than a household toilet and yet when I do some money laundering, the cops arrest me.
Is it because I’m brown??
having one friend who enables everything you do and another who calls you out for your shit is wild bc you’ll explain the exact same situation to them and one of them will go “Abby tax fraud is bad” while the other goes “👏🏽you👏🏽don’t👏🏽owe👏🏽anyone👏🏽anything👏🏽not👏🏽even👏🏽the 👏🏽IRS”
You’ve got a lotta nerve showing up here and being right.
I thought I saw a coyote in the yard tonight but I couldn’t tell because it didnt have an anvil.
HIM: if you have a moment, I’d like to talk to you about Jesus
ME: are his grades slipping again
4 can’t go to sleep tonight because she’s “too short to sleep” and I honestly don’t even know how to address this new level of sleep delay mastery.
One thing I’m really good at is turning $1500 into $4.72
My family made a pact that I’m the first to be sacrificed in a zombie apocalypse because I’ll slow them down. That’s my workout motivation.
Based on how comforting I find compression, my 50th birthday will be held in a trash compactor
Couldn’t remember my cute doctor’s name so I just called him
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When you “pspspsp” too hard
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-watches two minutes of the news
-locks kids in their rooms forever
“What is your reason for divorce?”
She pronounces ‘Kansas’ like the second part of ‘Arkansas’
I always take the high road, because the colors are more psychedelic and sometimes you see a unicorn.
Sometimes when my husband gets too comfy I like to whisper sexy suggestions like how amazing the neighbor’s lawn has been looking so I can watch him leap out of his chair and rage mow our yard into perfection
this is awesome. I didn’t even know I had a first season. W
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The difference between a hippo and a zippo is that one is really heavy and the other is a little lighter. Thank you, g’nite.
When a kidnapper gives you* back because you’re too annoying to be around anymore, that’s called getting ridnapped
*me
Ate half my sandwich prolly save the other half for later
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marriage counselor: you can’t run away from your problems
me: [leans forward, whispering] what if she gave me a head start
wife: I can hear u
T-REX *runs past me*
ME: woah more like tyrannosaurush
T-REX *stops dead* ok you first. I’m gonna eat you first
cat: *unresponsive*
bartender: get this catatonic
It’s not ‘easter’, it’s ‘more east’. So stupid.
I’m just a mom, standing in front of my husband, trying to say something that I can no longer remember cause my kid interrupted us 75 times.
Nobody:
Dog: OMG HE LOOKED IN THE GENERAL DIRECTION OF MY LEASH WE’RE GOING FOR A WALK I’M READY C’MON LET’S GO NOW PUT YOUR SHOES ON NOW HERE LET ME HELP I HAVE YOUR SOCK OK LET’S GO WALK!!!
VAMPIRE HUNTER: It’s so strange…why is this one coffin turned over on its side?
ME, from inside: I don’t like sleeping on my back.
here is what. i plan to accomplish today:
2. bark loudly. but at nothing
7. lose my ball under the couch
7b. politely ask the human. to get my ball
3. immediately lose it again. under the same couch
4. big nap. you have worked hard
2. repeat
My boss: you seem distracted today…
Me: sure, I’ll get that for you asap.
Me: *sleeps through an earthquake*
Husband: *gently moves his foot in bed*
Me: Are you going to keep me up all night?