The difference between a hippo and a zippo is that one is really heavy and the other is a little lighter. Thank you, g’nite.
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Reading that the economy is good while perusing 1 bedroom apartments being rented for 5,000 dollars a month and looking at jobs that pay 31,000 dollars a year.
I got invited to an acquaintance’s baby shower, I thought I bought teeth rings, I bought this woman’s baby a freaking dog toy. 🙃
When my goldfish starts acting like a jerk I remind him that his bowl is microwave-safe
feeling some mixed emotions while eating dried apricots because it’s like i’m eating human ears but they’re tasty
[Reading of my will]
To my children I leave my vast collection of pants, which over the years we have affectionately referred to as your
*Everyone says simultaneously
“Our jeanetic inheritance”
Since I got my iPhone eleventeen last week I have taken about 47 screenshots of my Home Screen just trying to turn the gd thing off.
“The Burning Bush” but it’s just me getting laser hair removal.
Sorry for throwing mice at your wedding.
Don’t forget to get your Valentine’s Day shopping done before Pete Davidson buys everything up.
first dinner with other vaccinated friends and a man spent the whole time arguing with me about cryptocurrency. release the rest of the bats
Dr: you have pneumonia
Hillary: what’s pneumonia
Me: *fighting off secret service* not much monia what’s pneu with you
HER: I was mauled by a bear mountain biking
ME: *long drag on cigarette* what kinda bike was it riding, Carol
You can’t offend me I have teenagers.
MISSING: Black and white cat with red collar. Very intelligent.
Mittens, if you’re reading this, please come home.
[at a party]
Host: may I take your coat?
Me: nah I’ll be needing that in about 10 minutes
Working from home has been a good way to find out which of my neighbors have loud lawnmowers and barking dogs. All of them. The answer is all of them.
I always hear people bragging about weightlifting. In my opinion, if I have to grunt to pick something up, it can just stay where it is.
Life hack: giant marshmallows make cheap teeth whitening strips
[someone says a word I’ve never heard before]
Me: *nods in agreement*
Telling my wife I’m taking her someplace fancy is my way of getting 4 hours to myself while she gets ready.
5yo: Curious George is not a monkey
Me: yes he is
5yo: no he isn’t, he doesn’t have a tail, he’s an ape
Me: he definitely has a— *googling pics of Curious George* omg
I’m pretty anal when it comes to organizing my house.
Like how I slid in “anal”?
Like how I said “slid in anal”?
I knew my kid inherited my artistic abilities back when she drew that cute little pig. She called it a dog, but whatever.
When I have kids I’m gonna tell them drugs are good for them.
It’s the only way I can be sure they won’t try them.
A high school student just asked if Titanic was based on a true story. Happy Friday.
Anti-gay preacher comes to Iceland. Locals buy all tickets to his event in Reykjavik, and then don’t turn up, leaving empty arena. Class.
FRENCH IS A MYTH INVENTED BY THE GOVERNMENT TO MAKE US BUY MORE ENGLISH
A kid came up to me in the grocery store just now and loudly proclaimed, “Kale is my power vegetable! What’s your power vegetable?” I tried to come up with an answer but it was clear that I didn’t have one. They said, “It’s OK. I didn’t find my power vegetable until I was 6.”
I fell asleep listening to the Red Hot Chili Peppers and woke up illiterate.
I asked my cat if I’m passive aggressive and she ignored me.
I hope I don’t forget to feed her tonight.