Life hack: giant marshmallows make cheap teeth whitening strips
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My kid made up a song that goes “I love you and would do anything for you except clean” like some kind of 7yo Meat Loaf
The expression should be “seeing things eyes to eyes”. Otherwise you’re suggesting a meeting of the minds between Cyclops
*admires David at the museum* I can’t believe a teenage mutant ninja turtle sculpted this
Nothing says “I enjoyed the taste of paste, fingerpaint, and crayons in first grade” more than a potato chip bag opened from the bottom.
Michael Phelps & I have a combined 19 gold medals & 4 DUI’s.
[First Date]
Her: Sorry, but your profile pic was misleading.
Oatmeal Raisin Cookie: I never *said* this was chocolate. You just *assumed*
My current size is ‘I ate two maple bacon donuts yesterday and had to zip my jeans with pliers today’
Ladies if you receive flowers with no card attached, they’re from me.
For whatever reason, I get super quiet when I hear a helicopter…like they are going to fly over my house and say, “WE KNOW HOW MANY TACO BELL SAUCE PACKETS YOU HAVE IN THERE.”
Me: this doesn’t seem right
Dentist: u know on tv when they say 9/10 dentists
M: yeah
D: im the one
*he resumes hitting my teeth w/ a comb*
If the Twitter algorithm actually understood me, my targeted ads would all be wine and sandwiches.
“No one told me we were picking weapons today. What’s left?”
– Donatello
New Year’s Eve would be so much better if it happened around sevenish.
Why is it called a backhanded compliment and not a slampliment?
So Jamie and Cersei could have lived if they moved a little to the left?
* Psychic Job Fair *
Interviewer: What is your greatest strength?
Me:
Interviewer: You’re hired
*releases helium-filled heart balloon*
Me: You’re free now
Balloon: Ima choke a bird
[on a plane]
Captain: I have bad news
Passengers: *gasp*
Captain: the middle class is dying
Passengers: oh, that’s true
Captain: first class might survive
Passengers: what
Captain: *tries to land the plane backwards*
3200 BC: Man invents written language and abandons hieroglyphics
2023 AD: Man abandons written language in favor of memes
Are kids ever okay at all?😂
[God creating teenagers]
What’s the most expensive way to be ignored?
How to dress when you are a woman over forty:
1. Be a woman over forty
2. Put your clothes on
This was my dad’s browser history.
The bad thing about subtweets is you can never be sure the recipient received it. That’s why it’s better to shoot them.
[pulls into taco bell drive thru]
Hi, I’d like enough tacos to forget 2016
I like to think of brunch as the purest form of anarchy. Want a burger between 2 waffles? Go for it. Scrambled eggs on a brownie? Heck yeah! Toss some onion rings in those Froot Loops, you are ungovernable. For 90 glorious minutes, all rules of polite society have been suspended.
a good way to greet new neighbors is by practicing your pitchfork-throwing in the front yard & impressing them w/ your deadly accuracy
Found $12 bucks today!
Well, it was in my daughters purse, but I figure she owes me at least $50,000 by now.
“40 is the new 20”
*Pulls a muscle*
“40 is the new 80”
I never realized my dog has the same last name as me until I took him to the vet.