My kid made up a song that goes “I love you and would do anything for you except clean” like some kind of 7yo Meat Loaf
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Muchacha is my favorite Spanish word that sounds like cows dancing.
If your name got called on The Price is Right, it’d be fun to scream, jump up and down, and then run full speed out of the studio
A Harry Potter spinoff series that focuses on Hermione’s origin story called Granger Things.
The last time I danced at a party, someone told me I looked like a wildebeest on a frozen lake.
My son kicked his soccer ball in to a rosebush & now I look like I got between Chester Cheetah & Tony the Tiger at a coke party.
after i eat lunch there’s a 1-hour window where you can convert me to any religion
[Getting chased by cops after heist]
Me: Damn, I can’t shake ’em. It’s like they’re one step ahead of us.
Partner: STOP USING YOUR BLINKER
*hears giggling kids
7: Then baby cows can just walk into my house!
Me (in the bathroom): WHAAAAT?
got so much cardio in today
Jane Fonda as bottles of hand wash.
A thread.
I don’t date men unless they have tentacles. It’s called having standards.
I hope the ghost of Michael Jackson Hee-Hee’s in your ear while you tryna sleep
I have 39 calories left for the day. I think I might just open the ice cream and smell it.
Fun Fact:
The average 3-year-old boy can stick 11 kernels of corn up his nose before he needs a trip to the ER.
somehow a bad experience with seafood is more powerful than a bad relationship
people will go back to a toxic ex, but never eat scallops again after puking once
Wife: Ow, a bee just stung me!
Me: uhoh guess i have to pee on u
Wife: that’s for jellyfish
Me: [unzipping pants] bees don’t sting jellyfish
Being an adult is 99% wondering how you hurt your back.
In retrospect, Mr. Burns gave me an extremely unrealistic view of how funny a rich guy who controlled everything could be
shit! I’m going to be hairy late!!!!
F*** you and the horse you rode in on!
Horse: Look man, I was just giving this guy a ride.
He said: We can’t go away on vacation and leave your mug in the sink. The kitchen isn’t clean if there are dishes in the sink.
~ a few weeks later ~
I said: You can’t go off to work and leave your hair in the sink. The bathroom isn’t clean if there are whiskers in the sink.
*First and last date:
“Wanna see my rain predictin’ knee?”
My daughter is grounded for eternity and she just asked me the life expectancy of an adult male who smokes cigarettes and drinks too much coffee…
[god creating raccoons]
Take a cat and make him look like he’s committing crimes
I just texted a friend a super hilarious meme and all he did was give it a thumbs up. I’ve never been more angry.
Me: You can watch me shower, but if my husband catches you he’ll kill you
Spider:
Doctor: You have acute alcoholism.
Me: Thanks, but let me tell you it’s not very cute in the morning.
Being an adult is mostly just wondering if the stuff in the dishwasher is dirty or clean while eating soup out of a sand castle bucket.
I WON’T TELL YOU AGAIN!
~ me to my kids for the 387th time today