i don’t understand all these newfangled apps. like “phone”
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Apparently, some customs agencies are saying they won’t allow shipment of anything called a “Flamethrower”. To solve this, we are renaming it “Not a Flamethrower”.
me: “hey who’s your favourite child?”
wife: “we’re not supposed to have a favourite”
me: “why not? i do”
wife: “who?”
me: “macaulay culkin, home alone 2”
I had a dream that I was fighting Jason Bourne, Will Hunting and Tom Ripley.
After months of therapy I’m finally battling my Damons.
Me: God, I’ve been super stressed lately
My skin: would a bunch of pimples help?
You’re a busy woman. Let the smoke alarm tell you when the chicken’s done.
OPTIMIST: this glass is Half Full
PESSIMIST: this glass is Half Empty
GLASS: actually my name is Carl
i may not be the smartest person in the room. i may not be the most interesting, or the most successful person in the room. but i’m definitely in the room
I was feeling depressed, then saw a guy with one arm and thought “oh man, I could be getting so much more sympathy if I was missing an arm!”
Guy waking up in saw trap if Saw was British: right. what’s all this then
yeah i got a gym membership. its called life. watch me lift this big ass rock. now im gonna do 20 reps of pretending im a beautiful bird
Me: Hi. I’d like to deposit a large amount of cash.
Bank teller: Ok. Where is it?
Me: No, I said I’d like to.
Remember that Pi Day is just a made-up holiday invented by mathematicians to sell you more math.
Girls greet each other normally the way I’d act if I saw a friend who I thought was dead.
whenever i see babies crying in movies, i feel so bad. but then i remember it’s just pretend. they’re acting. they’re professionals. they know what they’re doing
It wasn’t no corona till y’all started balancing brooms in the house, y’all let the devil in
You threw. Our tea. In the harbour. And then you changed the spelling of harbour. We do not. Forget.
*cries over spilt milk*
*cries under spilt milk*
*cries adjacent to spilt milk*
*cries immediately to the left of spilt milk*
*cries diagona
Me: [selling like-new truck on Facebook Marketplace for $27k]
Buyer message: $50
All my evil plans start with someone slipping on a meticulously placed banana peel.
i get all my pet peeves from a peeve rescue
No one told me about Snapchat filters so all this time I’ve just been taping animals to my face.
I have jury duty tomorrow so whoever it is, they’re getting the chair
I miss when the most stressful thing about my day was Gargamel.
If you hold a gift card close enough to your ear you can hear the person who bought it saying, “this’ll do”
[goes up to a pair of identical twins]
so how did yall meet
HER: it’s over between us
ME: is it because of all my embroidery puns?
HER: I thought you would stop
ME: sew it seamed
*mob meeting*
ayo new guy—who’re you?“they call me the butcher”
oh yea? why’s that, butch?
*smacks him with a pork loin* “no reason”
Like a lioness protecting her cub, but it’s me lunging at the coworker about to nibble on my favourite pen.
I always carry a jellyfish with me in case a hot girl wants me to pee on her, but she is too embarrassed to ask.