Is it better to beat someone to the punch or punch someone to the beat?
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Sleeping Beauty is my favorite story about how any sweet princess will activate her fire breathing dragon if you wake her up from a nap.
‘You have an important event coming up? OwmeeGod, count me in!’ -pimples.
I’d let you be the reason my cheeks blush.. All four of them
Marries a mime. Lives quietly ever after.
Cats don’t have owners, cats take people hostage in order to feed them …
okay, whoever wished for avocado to become “the poor man’s butter” again, put down the monkey paw
My dancing style could best be described as “Frantically trying to pet the ghosts of animals only I can see.”
Why, woefully unprepared happens to be my middle name
Stranger: Your children are angels
Me: So was the devil
[childbirth]
her: omg its agony
me: i thought we agreed on tiffany
my love language is feeding you rotisserie chickens with my bare hands at 4am while you’re asleep.
In my defense, that little girl should have never questioned my pillow fighting skills.
God: Lo shall humanity have dominion o’er the earth, o’er the beasts.
Beasts: wtf
Humanity: Haha yesssss
God: but also shall humanity feel bad about everything, all of it, every last thing shall they feel bad about
Humanity: wait
Beasts: lol
God: lol
*sees a hot christian girl*
Me: I am christian now,where do i get one of those plus signs?
Friend: That’s a cross.
Me: across from where?
[Prison visit]
Me: I finally have a date for my execution
GF: WHO IS SHE
nasa employee: oh hey u guys are back early
astronaut: moon’s haunted
nasa employee: what?
astronaut: *loading a pistol and getting back on the rocket-ship* moon’s haunted
What I say and what I mean are three different things.
You cause one minor incident at a museum and everyone is “Irreplaceable Egyptian mummy” this and “Could have used regular toilet paper” that
Being single isn’t always bad. Look at Kraft cheese for example.
You kids and your fancy Google searches. This World Book Encyclopedia got me through all six years of high school.
I like my men, like I like my coffee.
So hot, that I have to keep blowing.
[unzips fannypack filled with jellybeans and some fall out]
Dammit
[bends over to pick them up and the rest spill out]
DAMMIT
wife: i wish you’d moan during sex
[later, whilst doing the sex]
me: i wish i was eating a grilled cheese
Don’t forget to take a screen shot of the weather forecast today and post it on Instagram.
[firing squad]
Captain: Any last words?
Prisoner: Why, yes. I’d like to speak with you for a moment about gun control.
She hadn’t made a milkshake in years for fear that they would return.
She starts the blender reluctantly.
In the distance, screams.
The boys had returned. They were coming to her yard.
Alexa is the ouija board I won’t allow in my own house, but will use in yours.
doing some research
My husband isn’t drinking while he trains for a marathon. There’s all this pressure on me to be supportive, so, reluctantly, I’m now drinking for both of us.