What I say and what I mean are three different things.
You Might Also Like
dracula: I vant to suck ur blood
me: oh no
dracula: I will drain u completely
me:
dracula: I will suck u dry
me:
dracula: why do u keep giggling
*recovering from a broken ankle*
My dogs: Let us protect you by making sure we are under every. single. step.
At what point is a salad no longer a salad based on how much bacon I add?
When my sister in-law was a waitress in Canada, she was taking drink orders from a group of Americans. They each ordered a glass of red wine. She suggested they choose a LITRE instead. They spoke among themselves and one man put up his hand and said – “I’ll be the leader.”
Her: It’s disgusting how many dirty habits you have.
Me: THE NUNS PAY ME GOOD MONEY TO DO THIER LAUNDRY OK???
Them: What is your favorite thing to go hiking with?
Me: My car.
I don’t drive a flashy car, but the cop behind me does.
January is the biggest month every year in my office for divorce filings.
So when someone says “Tis the season to be jolly!” I cynically think “Well. We shall see.”
When you feel down about your job just remember someone at google was forced to type out the entire lyrics to Hey Jude.
A girl called me “sir” today and I was so angry I took off my suit of armor and stormed out of Medieval Times.
[Infomercial for Parachutes]
“Has this ever happened to you?” *showing footage of a man getting thrown off a building, screaming*
nicole kidman please name your next child Teendude
ME: *giggles* I wouldn’t say I have a ‘type’…
DOCTOR: Sir, you’re losing a lot of blood and we need to make this transfusion
I’m not crazy.
I keep my old batteries in the refrigerator next to my butter, just like everybody else.
I don’t o u anything!
– Americans complaining about British/Canadian word spellings
My son’s soccer coach just said, “You can’t spell “triumph” without ‘try,'” and the look my son and I shared will bond us forever.
Kid in grocery store walks past me and points “Mommy look, that’s a BIG Mommy!”
It’s called TALL, you little shit.
If you love something, let it go. But if you love two things, space them out. For example, let a koala go at least three days before a lion.
just remembering the time Arthur was murdered by his own father
You gotta know when to hold em
Know when to fold em
Know when to walk away
Know when to runThis concludes your parenting course.
buys donuts instead
My boss threw a Snickers at me and I caught it one handed so I think I’d be a good athlete if sports were played with candy bars
Teen: Your brows are on fleek!
Me: (confused) Yeah well your FACE is on fleek.
Teen: Thanks!
Me: God damn it.
GOD: I’ve created donuts
ANGEL: ooh they’re yummy but why the hole?
GOD:
ANGEL:
GOD:
ANGEL: because they are holy
GOD: because they are holy
Me: Dad, am I adopted?
Dad: Shit, like I’d have picked you?
[coworkers chatting about me, to me]
cw 1: you’re such a goof!
me: hehe I’ll take it
cw 2: better than other things you can be called!
me: like?
cw 2: like… dumbass?
me: no one’s ever dared to call me that. I wouldn’t be the first if I were you.
cw 1 and 2:
me: good morning 🥰
”My intentions are not pure” I whisper as I put on yoga pants with no intention of doing yoga.
PET PEEVE: Why do we call them baby names? They’re HUMAN NAMES. They don’t expire as you grow up.
Which letter is the silent one in the word “scent?”
Is it the “S” or the “C?”
To all the people with grammatical issues, don’t worry, I also have problems with badly timed periods.