At what point is a salad no longer a salad based on how much bacon I add?
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One time an orca befriended me and then tried to steal my boyfriend
What if we made sidewalks into trampolines? Fun and springy to walk on, and if someone looks at you wrong you can always bounce them into tomorrow.
Please stop saying “There are plenty of fish in the sea”. I’m sick of having sex with fish!!
Do mermaids clean the sea or how does that work?
What happens when the in-flight movie stars Adam Sandler.
@KrangTNelson @funTweeters I am not a millennial, I am straight out the the 70’s and I make up new words to suite myself. Like you don’t get a spoonful of mashed potatoes you get a thwack of mashed potatoes because that is the sound it makes when they hit your plate thwack.
Kidnapper: We have your wife.
Me: You sonofa-it was HER turn to cook dinner for the kids tonight!
Parent pro tip: Beware of the child who cleans their room without being prompted. They are about to ask to borrow money.
Technology: the world is at your fingertips, you can accomplish anything!
Twitter: nope
Give a man a fish and he’ll eat for a day. Give a man who is dangerously allergic to fish a fish and he’ll eat for a lifetime.
Sometimes i think my life sucks. Then i look at the lives of others. Then it hits me. My life does suck!!
If a mouse family ever stole my iPhone and used it as a flat screen TV then I’m okay with it as long as they’re happy.
Big decision to make? Sleep on it. Have a nightmare. Then you’ll be operating on pure adrenaline and choose more quickly.
SCHRÖDINGER: *Kneels down* Hey buddy, so… I have some news about your cat.
SON: Is it good news or bad news?
SCHRÖDINGER: Yes.
I think semi-colons have gotten a bad rap. They should be re-branded as super-commas.
Me: *struggling to focus on my yoga pose*
Cockroach: *crawls out of my yoga mat toward the instructor*
I’m in shock. I caught my houseghost naked… ironing his sheet.
If she holds your hair back while you throw up in a McDonald’s bathroom, that’s a hurlfriend.
Just found all my fan letters to Wolverine my wife “promised” she mailed stuffed behind the couch. I’m livid.
My Dyslexic Cat thinks she has ” P ” no. of lives.
Maybe call your family “Team” for like 14 years. Then one day say “There’s no ‘I’ in team!” and move to a foreign country with a prostitute.
Girls who go to finishing school know all of the Mortal Kombat fatalities.
Just completed a task that I’d been putting off for months. It took ages and was massively inconvenient, I was right to delay it as much as possible. I will learn much from this.
“Girl, same.”
– Midwife, handing a mother the second of her newborn identical twins.
My kid just asked if I was alive in 1871 so home schooling is going well
I wonder how smart I’d be if my brain were as good at remembering anything as it is at remembering every humiliating thing I’ve ever done
Make group hugs awkward by taking off your pants.
Mrs. Kowalski left the class mortified, unable to believe just how badly she’d misinterpreted what they had meant by Pole dancing.
My husband is mad at my broken toe for not healing faster because he has to take over homeschooling and it’s “absolutely draining”. He’s been at it for 32 minutes.
Kids…you can be happy about it being the last day of school, but you’ll never be as happy as the teachers.