What if we made sidewalks into trampolines? Fun and springy to walk on, and if someone looks at you wrong you can always bounce them into tomorrow.
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Kids: We’re bored.
Me: Here’s a dime. Call someone who cares.
Kids: What?
Me: When I was a kid that was an insult.
Kids: Why?
Me: We had phones you had to put coins-
Kids: Why wouldn’t you just text them for free?
Me: So we didn’t have textin-
Kids: OMG HOW OLD ARE YOU
My dad will drive six hours to avoid a three dollar ATM fee
I used to wrap all of my teen brother’s Christmas gifts in Victoria’s Secret boxes, which was a great conversation starter when he had friends over.
You go on cruises when you only want to experience other countries cultures for an hour and still have Budweiser and chicken fingers for dinner
I got this “breathe” tattoo because I don’t have a central nervous system and it’s a helpful reminder.
“Well, there’s no circle thingy with the slash through it, so I guess it’s okay.”
DOCTOR: What’s the matter?
ME: I don’t know. Sometimes I feel like I’m a bad husband.
DOCTOR: I meant with your wife.
ME: Oh her water broke or something.
“Where did that mole come from?” I worriedly ask right before a chocolate chip dislodges from my chest hair
Studies show people lose interest in a tweet right about now
It’s called “personal grooming” as though we might get confused and groom a total stranger.
Share your cheese puns. Only the Gouda stuff, not de Brie.
Things will be fine, eventually, in thousands of years, for rocks
The year is 2030. Bakery art is so realistic, literally anything could be cake. The uncertainty has gripped the world in fear. I go to hug my wife for comfort. She is cake.
Dog: I will guard you with my life!
Cat: What was your name again?
*Makes three typos while trying to correct one*
Mornin
It’s better to clear out your fridge before the leftovers grow green hair, become sentient, and attack the closest major population center.
My cat thinks his name is Pspspspssss
My wife completely ignores me when she watches Grey’s Anatomy……so I ordered the first 5 seasons.
Why do paintings of Adam and Eve show them with belly buttons?
[There could only be a finite number of possible outcomes to a situation that you are likely to face tommorrow]
Your Anxiety: ummm lets see!
The east coast is experiencing a “Snowpocalypse” or as Canada calls it “Monday”
Back on campus for the new semester and a younger fellow student asked me what I teach
I thought about poking him in the eye and saying “a lesson”
“NEVER MIND, WE GOT ONE.”
What do we want?
“A TIME MACHINE.”
When do we want it?
Pulling out the ouija board at the office and asking Craig from accounting if I can hit up his widow
[me living in a hallmark movie]
oh my gosh, my childhood love is still single? and here? in this small town?
well if we don’t fall in love and get together then the christmas tree farm will foreclose!
WE MUST GET MARRIED TO SAVE CHRISTMAS!
*Me ordering food, wearing a new white shirt*
I’ll have whatever is the most splattery and red
The first rule of fight club is to ask her, “Is that what you’re wearing?”