Me: New rule, if you leave the dinner table without saying “Excuse me,” we will assume you’re done and I will eat the remaining fries right off your plate.
9yo: should we tell 5yo once she gets back to the table?
Me: (speaking through a mouthful of 5yo’s fries) nah
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If you offer me celery I’ll use it as it was originally intended, to beat you with.
Things I learned today:
1) Gel is not short for jelly
2) KY isn’t an acronym for “Krazy Yummy”
3) I’m not allowed to make my own lunch
I think we should have a suggestion box at work but there’s no way for me to bring it up.
me: return of the mack.
cashier: receipt of the mack?
if i was a character in a horror movie and something supernatural was happening i wouldn’t be scared because that stuff isn’t real
*Jesus multiplies a loaf of bread for the masses*
From the back: Actually I’m gluten free now.
Jesus: ughhh, someone get me a fish
Body: I’m sooooooo tired
Brain: WHAT IF DINOSAURS HAD ASSAULT RIFLES
In marriage, there are two conversations:
The one you think you’re having and the one your husband hears.
People often ask me how I afford to live a lavish lifestyle while spending most of my day on Twitter. Here are a few tips.
1. Wake up early every morning
2. Build a work routine
3. Learn to delegate responsibility
4. Inherit a lot of money from parents
5. Sleep at time
Whenever I’m at home drinking alone with my dog, I tell people I’m drinking with my dawg, so it sounds like I’m drinking with my cool friend
My wife complains that she has a big ass, I just wish she would stop pointing at me when she says it.
Surprise your girlfriend at work by wearing a ski mask and taking everyone hostage
I came across an account that only tweeted about fedoras, so I reported him for hat speech.
They bad news is my teenager is running a fever; the good news is he’s still feeling well enough to make “yo mama” jokes.
Developer: We have a problem.
Manager: Remember, there are no such things as problems, only opportunities.
Developer: Well then, we have a DDoS opportunity.
God: you’ll protect your kids by carrying them 3,000 miles to keep them warm
Penguin: got it
God: you get pouches to keep ‘em safe & so they never get lost
Kangaroo: Love it
God: when they get too big just throw them out & hope for the best
Bird: wait, what?
These baby cardinals are thugs. They muscle all the other birds away from the feeder. I saw one put out a cigarette in a blue jay’s eye.
My summer body has been pending for about ten years
This guy in my living room must think I’m an idiot, he says he picked my lock but I distinctly remember choosing it at the store by myself.
manning had to write 500 words about thomas edison, he got his 500 word count pretty quickly: When Thomas Edison was 12 Thomas Edison convinced Thomas Edison’s parents to let Thomas Edison start selling newspapers. (the entire paper is like this!!)
still processing the fact the US government was like yeah, aliens are real and coming more and more often, and we were all like listen it’s been a hard year lol and then we just didn’t talk about it again
* Puts leftover pizza in the work fridge at 7am
My brain at 7:04:
eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza
The seance was ruined when everyone realized that the only spirit speaking through me was vodka.
The worst part about getting kidnapped would be when the news told everyone your real height and weight.
Friend: Wanna go out with me for a beer?
Me: I’ll go out with you *finger guns* for free
When I die, I’m going out guns blazing with all hell coming with me.
*Dies eating gas station sushi
I’m a self-made hundredaire
Seems like it would be really tough being a girl named Molly at a rave.
The perfect sticker placement doesn’t exi-
If you take a closer look, you will see a piece of mind your own business stuck in my teeth.