You can take all the daylight you saved & stick it where the sun don’t shine.
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I don’t always go outside but when I do I hit my forehead really hard on a shelf to make sure I look like an idiot.
A group of arsonists is called a firing squad.
Love is always patient and kind.
Imitation is the sincerest form of crabmeat.
Me: So tired. So weak. Is this the coronavirus?
My body: The only vegetable you’ve had in weeks was on a pizza.
Me: Why me? I’m so young, so new to this earth
Body: You slept 20 total hours last week.
Me: Oh mortality, so cruel, so dark.
Body: Maybe drink water? Just once
*seduces you by wearing a sundress
*ruins it by running in flip flops
Wife: where’s the baby?
Me: up on the roof
Wife: THE ROOF?
Me: relax. He’s got sunscreen on
My 12 year old saw one tick at this cabin and now he’s requesting an airborne tactical extraction.
[seeing a skyscraper with all the lights on]
oh man the dad of that building is gonna be mad
“Why have a ballroom, with no Balls?”
-Disney’s Frozen
I paused the movie to tweet this…
My cat thinks any questions I ask him are rhetorical.
*ghost hunter looking for ghosts in our bedroom turns on a blacklight*
Me: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
Ghost Hunter: *eyes widen* Look at all the ectoplasm. It’s everywhere!
Me: That’s exactly what that is.
love is out there. so are bigfoot and the loch ness monster
Sorry I haven’t returned your text in 3 days, I was taking a nap.
He’s a 10, but that’s in Fahrenheit so he’s frozen.
Only Christopher Walken can get away with saying stuff like you wanted to chance at the dance but you forgot your pants.
Me: Unhand me you scoundrel!
Masseuse: Please stop saying that
Why is being alive so expensive? I’m not even having a good time.
necessity is the mother of invention
At my funeral, I’m stipulating in my will that after the eulogy is read the crowd can have 15 minutes for rebuttal, just to be fair.
Like my wife always says, just because I’ve never seen it before doesn’t mean I didn’t lose it.
Alternate universe where all appearances of the word “lil” in rappers names have to be replaced with the word “teensy weensy”
Once a teacher said nobody was buying my cool guy act but he dropped his clipboard and there was a drawing of me in sunglasses on it.
It has been 3 years since Monday.
toddler *hands me a bag of chips*
me *opens it* *gives it back to him* *resumes showering*
It all started when I realized that we didn’t call whiskers on rodents “mouse-taches”
THERAPIST *pushes intercom* Deb, cancel my 3 o’clock.
Cargo pants are for when you want to wear khakis, but also want to be a backpack.
Scream sneezers need love too.
People make you wonder just how bad prison would really be