*ghost hunter looking for ghosts in our bedroom turns on a blacklight*
Me: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
Ghost Hunter: *eyes widen* Look at all the ectoplasm. It’s everywhere!
Me: That’s exactly what that is.
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Select elevator floors without using your hands, guys. Chicks dig it.
me: I need tires
michelin: here you go
me: now if only someone could rate my restaurant
michelin: you’re not gonna believe this
[ first date ]
me: i’d like to see you again
chameleon: oh sorry
me: there you are
I adopted a rock.
He just sits there and does nothing all day.
It still beats raising Kylo.
Me: I’ve brought a urine sample
Doctor: I didn’t ask for a urine sample
Me: There was a lot of traffic
App: This app would like to use your location.
Me: NOT NOW I’M SITTIN’ ON THE TOILET!!
Wife: how much did it cost to rent that bouncy castle?
Me: I dunno. Buying it wasn’t cheap tho
Why does the bad guy always have to know some form of martial art? Why cant they just throw stuff while screaming “stay away from me!”
I have the vim and vigor of someone the age that would use the words vim and vigor.
Wife: Let’s watch Netflix.
Me: Ok. [starts movie]
Wife: [sleeping]
Me [pausing]: OMG we are two seconds into it.
Wife: What?
Me: You’re sleeping.
Wife: I’m not sleeping. Press Play.
Me: [presses Play]
Wife: [sleeping]
My goldfish died. The good news is I’m inheriting a tiny treasure chest.
My 5yr old eats chicken wings with the precision of a hitman cleaning his rifle.
I just want to feed somebody a extra large corndog too
Flight attendant: Before landing, please make sure all small electronic items are secure
Me: *whispering to my tamagotchi* do you feel safe, bud?
My husband and I ran out of toothpaste a month ago and neither of us said anything out loud but we’re both waiting on the other to buy more. The silver lining is we are finally making a dent in 15 years of travel-sized toothpaste containers from the dentist.
[santa gently waking me] you live like this?
Personal trainer: How’s your diet been going?
Me: Absolutely amazing
Personal trainer: May I ask what you’ve been eating?
Me: You may not
I hate it when I’m trying to take a selfie and somebody calls my camera.
friend: what day is it today
me: it’s mar 10
friend: like mario!
me: itsa mar 10
Her, 6: I have a secret
Me: What is it?
Her: I’m not gonna tell you… but it’s about a marker
Me: Oh no
Her: yeeeah
I’m not religious but I know there’s a hell because Monopoly exists
I love how some stores don’t even bother hiding that they sell fakes. I respect the hell out of a shop that has Professor Martins front and center. Yes please I will take one pair of Air Georges.
a former teacher who loved saying “lack of planning on your part does not constitute an emergency on mine” just reached out to me about getting comp tickets to a show of mine because she didn’t realize it would sell out.
wellllllllllllllllllllll well well well WELL.
My family is missing that gene that tells you when trash cans are full.
You know you’re an adult when you spend $100 at the grocery store and leave without any food.
If Spider-man’s powers came from a radioactive spider, the spider could have bitten and altered any other animal and I don’t want to live in a world with spider-wolves. I just don’t.
“How often do you exercise?”
About 3 to 4 times a week.
“Be honest.”
2003.
Me: This escape room is really hard.
Guard: I said lights out!
The dry cleaners lost my freak flag.
Teens today stuck inside all day long playing video games.
In my day, we spent all day outside smoking hash oil & cigarettes with friends.