I’m not religious but I know there’s a hell because Monopoly exists
You Might Also Like
PeeWee’s Playhouse gave me very unrealistic expectations of how much fun I would have with my furniture
when i met him, i should’ve recognized the red flags because he immediately wanted to move in with me. 11 months later he still has no job or money and i can’t do anything without him watching my every move.
like, i know he’s my son but he’s gotta get it together.
Someone asked for my advice today and I replied, “What would Jesus do?”
…and that’s how you get people to stop talking to you at work.
My husband needs a hearing aid but refuses to get one because it’s the key to our happy marriage.
Me: …so long story short, what I’m saying is, it either has to be a talking goat, OR a monkey who doesn’t talk, but understands my every word.
Genie: That’s it, no more wishes for you
Just gonna take a nice stroll across the OMG ABORT ABORT!!!!
– squirrels
how do y’all walk in shallow water
I wonder how many other Sandy’s have come into men’s lives and taken their cars and houses, too.
How dare room service question “how many people” I need 8 mimosas for 🙄
I’ll start the new year off with my favorite joke from 3rd grade:
Why do gorillas have such big nostrils?
Because they have such big fingers.
Happy New Years, friends. Let’s try to make it to the next one too…
What’s good for the Michigoose is good for the Michigander
Text your dad “egg salad sandwich” four times in one day. He’ll probably think his phone is broken.
Billy: Hi! What’s your name?
Johnny: Johnny.
B: Hey, what’s THAT?
J: An iPhone 4.
Mom: Who’s your new friend, Billy?
B: Johnny. He’s poor.
even worse than arguing with a stupid person online is when an even stupider person joins in but they’re on your side
A $300 dollar bat won’t fix a $2 dollar swing
-life lessons from Softball Coach
Imagine trying to explain Captain America: Civil War to Abraham Lincoln.
*looks at fish tank
6: It’s part cat and part fish?
Me: No it’s just a fish
*Catfish maintains eye contact while pushing over treasure chest
In a bad place rn, not mentally just flying over Birmingham
I’m 99% sure the plane Harrison Ford was in is from the Amelia Earhart exhibit at the Smithsonian.
an octopus is just a wet spider
the main thing dating apps have taught me is that there are towns within 20 miles of me that I’ve somehow never heard of
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
What does it mean when you’re on a date and he pushes you in front of a bus?
My coworker replaced her chair with an exercise ball to “work her core.”
I’m eating a giant chocolate chip cookie for breakfast.
I win.
A guy with a ponytail wearing mirrored sunglasses and camouflage pants just checked me out and winked at me. Still got it.
Cartoons led me to believe I would have a lot more opportunities to steal pies cooling on window sills
“Hey Hillary what color do you think this dre– never mind” – Bill Clinton scrolling through Twitter last night
Joker: hey can you not punch me? yanno, social distancing haha
Batman: *pulls out batarangs*
Joker: ohhh are those sanitized?
Batman: ugh you know we really shouldn’t even be out in Gotham
Joker: oh I just needed eggs lol
Batman: me too!
[both eye last carton]