Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
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I think it’s totally unfair that my dad is making me paint the porch with him today, even if it is my porch
How to handle a one night stand the next morning:
1. Put on Titanic
2. He’s gone, that’s it
FUN FACT: A collection of Russell Crowe movies is called a murder of movies.
when ppl hold the baby and the baby cries & parents say “oh he’s just tired,” we’re lying, the baby really does hate you
To bye at an auction you should bid adieu
Friend: Why do you smell like bleach?
Me: I dribbled Sprite down my cleavage and I used a Clorox wipe to get it out.
Sexy huh?Mr. Clean: oooo baby yes
You can have kids or you can always know where your scissors are.
You can’t have both.
CAPTAIN AMERICA: Avengers, assemble!
*points to a bunch of IKEA shit he just bought for the headquarters*
13 years ago I ordered an m&m blizzard at Dairy Queen and the lady who took my order screamed “ONE SMALL M&M BLIZZARD!!!” at the top of her lungs then immediately turned around and started making it herself and it’s still the funniest thing that has ever happened to me
Ever since I found out cats don’t meow to other cats, that’s just some shit they learned to manipulate humans and moews are supposed to mimic infant human cries I’m noticing a lot of fake shit about my cat
Any movie can be a Christmas movie if you eat 37 sugar cookies while watching.
Keep your friends close and your fat friends closer, because snacks.
Happy birthday to Bruce Campbell, star of the documentary series The Evil Dead. It makes me feel so much safer knowing he’s out there protecting us from deadites. Thank you, sir!
Obviously, someone didn’t follow the instructions before assembling the cat…🐈🐾😅
The feeling of peace when amongst the trees quickly disappears when you notice a coyote nonchalantly walking towards you.
A Jenga tower with French Toast sticks and every time you pull one out you eat it and if you knock the whole thing over you eat it.
Me: *body contorted into the most uncomfortable position known to humankind*
Every fitness instructor ever: Keep your core tight.
If you like 28 tweets of mine in a row, you’re my boyfriend now. I didn’t make this up. I’m just as upset as you are.
[halloween]
ME: nice costume. casanova?
HIM: guy fawkes
ME: {high-fiving} hell yeah he does
My kid always taking off her shoes like she got abducted mid-step
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Judge: You have power of attorney?
Me:*curling two briefcases* Pfft. What do you think, bruh?
I was trying to create a wonderful family experience strawberry picking, but there just isn’t enough wine for me to deal with my kids thinking it was funny to smear red strawberries on the back of my white pants.
roman: how will we know which one is jesus
judas: imma kiss him
roman: why
judas: *applying lip gloss* lol i know right
Starting to get the feeling like there is a fennel cabal out there forcing chefs to put fennel in as many dishes as possible, this fennel conspiracy hurts all of us
Van Gogh’s girlfriend: my dearest Vincent, lend me your ear
Him: cuts ear off
Her: I just wanted u to listen to me
Him: nah, I’m good
“Emergency Defibrillator”
As opposed to the one we keep around for fun?
Jesus, don’t take the wheel. Give me your keys. Sober up.
*hands cup of water*
DON’T TURN THAT INTO WINE AGAIN
Being an adult is mostly just wondering if the stuff in the dishwasher is dirty or clean while eating soup out of a sand castle bucket.
I just want someone to look at me the way my dog looks at a dishwasher full of dirty dishes.