Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
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To the idiots who say ghosts aren’t real, maybe you should watch this documentary called Ghostbusters.
[robber waving gun around in bank] nobody move a muscle
[me making eye contact with him then to the popsicle in my hand then back to him]
No one would ever question Siri’s directions if she said them with more conviction. “Keep right, if you want to live.”
i guess his teacher was really pissed
If any cheetahs are reading this, please do not eat my son.
Doctor: I want you to take it easy on your joints from now on.
Me: ok
(later at home)
Me, talking to my blunt: I’m sorry I called you fat.
Apparently I have an on again off again relationship with reality. I just can never tell which one.
*pets unicorn*
In my day, milk crates were used only for their God given purpose – holding your record albums
villain: it seems i’m holding all the cards, mr. bond
james bond: UNO!
villain: shit
avoided the guys with the white uniforms and human sized nets again so yeah it was a decent day
My perfect date would be a hike in the mountains, and her telling me all about it when she gets back.
It’s very rude to not refer to the manager at Burger King as “Your Majesty”.
“Parkour!”- What I yell after jumping up onto a chair to get away from a scary little mouse.
chickens lay eggs every day right? so is that why we eat eggs? so chickens don’t take over the world?
Imagine the scariest ride you’ve ever been on ….
Got it?
Then there’s dating me.
20 years ago my Dad went out to buy a pack of Camels
…and now he’s the most successful camel breeder in Europe.
Her: You know, alot of men are going to be miserable when I marry.
Me: Well how many men do you plan to marry?
Google would like to use your current location. Allow/Deny? Allow
*100 Google employees throw a party at my house*
I ate so much bread yesterday, I checked Web MD to make sure that I couldn’t end up with a yeast infection.
I want my house to be tidy enough so that if someone drops by unexpectedly it doesn’t look like we’re six days into battling a poltergeist.
Her : You hang up first.
Me : *click*
I bought a off brand Roomba for black Friday and im already having a Detroit: Become human experience with it.
“stop dont go there”
off brand roomba: “goes there (faster)”
This Halloween I’m going as a pissy woman who eats all the good candy and doesn’t answer the door after 8pm.
LITTLE BO PEEP: I’ve lost my sheep! I can’t remember where to find them!
DOCTOR: Sounds like Lambnesia
We like knowing who the fastest person on earth is.
We don’t know why, or how this information will be useful, but we like to know it all the same.
Parenting is much harder nowadays. For example, you have to be able to push a kid on a swing and tweet at the same time.
wife: Why would you bring a dog to an interview?
me: Why wouldn’t you bring a dog to an interview?
The heels stay on during sex because I only painted the toe nails that were showing.
Yawn in the club to see who’s checkin you out.
Good cop: u want a drink?
Good cop 2: I love your shirt
Good cop 3: ur so ripped dude
Good cop 4: the bad cops are striking today, handsome