Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
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I asked my wife what she wanted for dinner; she said “Surprise me”. So I broke a beer bottle across the counter.
I’m still very hungry.
Tried to steal some candy from a baby.
I got hit in the face with a rattle and then it puked on me
They lied about how easy that was.
That girl from The Exorcist was a real head turner
Mixology students be like, “My mint leaf dissertation needs to slap.”
JESUS (hitting snooze): Just three more days.
Do the people who set the paper towel dispensers to only dispense 2 inches at a time not know that I’m gonna take like 27 of those things?
welcome to my podcast What Are Birds Thinking About where we speculate wildly about what birds might be thinking about today’s guest is once again not a bird
I came back from the grocery store with a bag of fresh vegetables and when my wife asked what I’d bought I said it was a bag full of good intentions
Deleting dating apps because, if you’re not already sitting on my couch, we’re not meant to be.
He was a meter boy, she said see you liter boy
I’m not saying I’m an idiot…
But if some village comes looking…tell them you never saw me.
When people tell me “You’re gonna regret that in the morning” I sleep in til noon, because I’m a problem Solver
“Sandwich artist” is a bit pretentious sir when you’re actually a subcontractor.
It is a truth universally acknowledged ON MARS that a single woman in possession of a good fortune must be in want of a wife.
I know my son will be a good dad one day, because I dropped a plate and he said “now things are getting out of hand” with a straight face
I usually base my religious and political beliefs on flyers and pamphlets handed to me on the street.
[first date]
HER: You smell so good. What are you wearing?
ME: *nodding and sniffing myself* Mashed potatoes with gravy.
My favorite oxymorons:
1. Jumbo shrimp.
2. Act natural.
3. Boneless ribs.
4. Civil war.
5. Freezer burn.
6. Adult male.
7. Happy marriage.
Inventor of fridge door ice cube dispenser: Let’s consistently surprise them with an extra ice cube that randomly shoots out after they are done filling their glass.
*Awkward missed high fives around boardroom table*
My husband brought home an all vegetable pizza for dinner so that I could “kickstart” a diet. To be honest, he would have been better off bringing home a girlfriend.
My favorite game with the kids is one where I play dead until they go around to their dad’s side of the bed and wake him up.
This might be the most effective pickup strategy I’ve ever seen
*entering first day of prison*
“Are you guys mad at me?”
feeling some mixed emotions while eating dried apricots because it’s like i’m eating human ears but they’re tasty
I abuse music so badly. I’m always like: make me feel good, watch me dance, listen to me sing, improve my mood. She must be sick of my shit.
What do you mean you no longer like one of the five foods you actually eat: a parenting memoir
In Canada at our Black Friday sales we fight to see who gets to hold the door open for others.
TIME TRAVELER: I’m here from the future
ME: Really? Who wins the election?
TT: Omg it’s such a disgrace
ME: You need to be more specific
6: Dad, why do you have so many nicknames for me?
*I break down, no longer able to cover up that I can’t remember my son’s name
Them: You want the truth?
Me: No thanks, I’m trying to cut back.