Jesus, don’t take the wheel. Give me your keys. Sober up.
*hands cup of water*
DON’T TURN THAT INTO WINE AGAIN
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Remember in Mario Kart when you thought you were in first place? Then realized you were looking at the wrong screen and crashing into walls and shit..
That’s adulthood….
First date
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m currently trying to eliminate all cancers
Her: Wow, impressive
Him: Then I’ll move on to Virgos
We have received 4 Christmas cards this week. I’m glad to see so many others don’t have their shit together either.
[Andes’ plane crash survivors diary]
Day 1: Gary’s cheering us up telling jokes
Day 2: Same jokes
Day 4: We all hate Gary
Day 6: We ate Gary
I make a mortgage-sized payment monthly to send my kid to preschool. Today, I have to pick him up early so they can close to then reopen an hour later for an art show where I can pay a second time to buy art my kid made while I paid for him to be there.
Me: Sometimes you just gotta dance like no one is watching.
Anesthesiologist: But right now I need you to hold still
me: listen pal no one talks to me that way
guy with british accent:
My entire life feels like I’m holding a small, sticky child that isn’t mine.
“Can’t Take My Eyes Off You” by Frankie Valli can come on and I’m all about it, singing that horn section and getting real loud I LOVE YOU BABY AND IF IT’S QUITE ALRIGHT I NEED YOU BABY.. u do that too don’t lie
friends who just got married: We were kind of hoping you’d stick to the registry.
me *crestfallen*: you don’t like the jukebox of screams?
ACCOUNTANT: *taking a look at my books* These are just winky-face emojis.
ME: Yep.
ACCOUNTANT: I think I know why your business is failing.
Her: Be a dear and hand me that cup.
Me: *jumps in front of a car*
Her: Dear, not deer.
My soul floating away: Craaaaap.
A hangover so good you crawl out of the bedroom naked and sleep for 6 more hours on the kitchen floor.
I taught my youngest niece and nephew to say “Mommy steals credit cards” when they’re in a checkout line.
Honest job interview:
“What are your strengths?”
“I put a lot of effort into looking like I know what I’m doing”
I was having a great Friday until I found out it was Thursday.
My man wants me to understand him better so I’m not getting my mustache waxed this month.
Sorry, baby. My phone number is older than you.
I am also baked goods
Me: wanna go cow tipping?
Other person: that sounds fun
*LATER*
Me: *handing cow five dollars* thanks for the milk, Daisy
*pops the hood*
“Looks like the timing nut is gone on yer muffler belt”
.. Umm r u sure you work here?
*lifts eye brow, moustache falls off*
me: point taken lol
guy stabbing me: yeah see that right there is why this is happening
Guys? How do you spell ‘in your window’? Like when someone is flirting inappropriately and is making sexual in your window?
If I had to choose one word that encapsulates me, I’d say skin.
just responded to every text i haven’t replied to in weeks by sharing my wordle which i got in 2 guesses
No one has ever said, “You know what would make this even better? Turkey bacon.”
me: i trained my cat to talk
her: let’s see
me: name an object pronoun
cat: me-
me: what do i say when i’m hurt
cat: -ow
her: this sucks
me: just wait
cat: we’re just getting started Linda
A kiss so passionate you have first degree burns from the melted cheese on the pizza.
To any ex-military that live on my street I apologize for whatever messages we may be sending, 2yo has discovered light switches
Put your right leg in, Put your right leg in, Put your right leg in, Put your right leg in, Put your right leg out, Put
-spider hokey pokey