Jesus, don’t take the wheel. Give me your keys. Sober up.
*hands cup of water*
DON’T TURN THAT INTO WINE AGAIN![]()
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What are you talking about? My wife hates when I make her laugh. She said what attracted her to me was my complete lack of humor and total inability to have fun.
ME: So when you’re saying mass is it the real you or are you using your altar ego lol
PRIEST: *rolling up his sleeves* Forgive me Lord for what I am about to do
me: I was mugged by a snake
cop: was he armed?
me: *long pause* no
I cannot breath, walk, or bend over but DAYUM these skinny jeans look good.
My doctor’s office just called to confirm my Pap smear tomorrow. They told me I’m not allowed to bring any guests. So if I had previously invited you to this incredibly invasive procedure, unfortunately I have to uninvite you. Sorry.
Iron Man’s cat is a Fe lion
sonic has been forcefully and unjustly removed from over 100 public pools. that is his walking speed. he wasn’t even running.
*doesnt stand for national anthem as protest against people who don’t stand for national anthem*
my physical therapist told me I should be using a foam roller “or a wine bottle, since I know you have one of those at home”
My 6-year-old is sick with a cough, so I told him gargling with warm salt water can help. He looked at me & said, “I’m NOT going all the way to the ocean right now.”
9: Why do some British people drop the t’s in their accents?
Me: Cause they have different accents from different parts of England.
9: No it’s cause they drank all the teas!
Me: So it’s kittens… driving sports cars!!
Studio Head: I need security up here NOW.
Me: PLEASE DON’T REJECT “THE FAST AND THE FURRIEST”
My parenting style right now is like “gentle parenting, gentle parenting, gentle parenting, I’M CANCELLING CHRISTMAS!!!, gentle parenting, gentle parenting…”
Her: Did you just ask that woman out?
Me: Yes…
Her: And? What’d she say?
Me: Well, her lips said No but, her eyes said “Read My Lips.”
If I ever have another kid I’m just gonna name it Audacity since that seems to be the specialty of the humans I make.
“You know I love that thick bottom” – me, telling my coworker about the new frying pan I got over the weekend
my therapist: you aren’t the problem, everyone else is
me: oh wow, i’ve fooled you too
Twitter creates a false sense of intimacy because who else spends as much time with you in the bathroom?
My husband made me a drink & told me to sit down while he makes dinner & all I can say is, whatever he did wrong, I’m totally fine with it.
My teacher told me not to worry about spelling because in the future there will be autocorrect and for that I am eternally grapefruit.
Wife: no bird puns this year at Thanksgiving
Me: fine but I get to do some now.
Wife: owl allow it.
Me: wait-what are you doing?
Wife: toucan play this game.
Me: I don’t like this.
me: well I grew up without a dad and I turned out okay
cw: don’t u collect human teeth??
me: yeah but they’re not my teeth
Every spy movie character who gets shot:
I need to find a doctor.Screenwriters:
Best we can do is a veterinarian.
I like the show on fox news where there are 4 conservative idiots yelling at one liberal idiot.
I think I found a perfect place for Spongebob.
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What inspires you to get out of bed every day? For me, it’s my bladder mostly
“Hey what should we call our multi-million dollar juice company?”
“Juicy Juice”
“What? Are you sure? Why don’t we-”
“Juicy. Juice.”
Was feeling really good about myself after an attractive man smiled at me on the elevator at work and told me I smelled great. Until I got to my desk and realized. Gentle reader, I had a sausage McMuff in my laptop bag.
Everyone thinks their kids are normal until you’re leaving instructions for a sitter and you’re like, “do not open the applesauce pouch all the way- open it halfway, hand it to him, and back away slowly. Also he has to sleep with 3 pacifiers and Lightning McQueen.”
Mornin
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