Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Of course I believe in miracles…even though I’m a virgin, somehow my wife has given birth to three beautiful children.

The chemical symbol for Seahorse is H₂Orse.

[slowly pushing iceberg in front of titanic]

little mermaid: 🎶I’ll have gadgets and gizmos a-plenty🎶

You didn’t comment on my selfie.
WHO IS SHE

[God inventing children]

A: Aw, so cute.

G: Make ’em scream.

A: But –

G: All the time. Just scream their heads off.

There’s a lady at work named Lillian Llewellyn who carries a briefcase and I like to imagine it falling open and spilling a bunch of L’s

[date]

HER: *staring into my eyes* Whatcha thinking about?

ME: *daydreaming about dogs on trampolines* Just you, girl.

When the horse rides back into camp without the rider, it’s never good news, but no one ever suspects the horse.

Been on 3 dates now with this girl who works in the zoo. I think she’s a keeper

“There’s more than one way, to skin a cat.”

Things not to say to a woman, when they ask if you prefer shaved or trimmed.

why are poetry books so expensiveee. each page will be like:

i am home.
if you knock

and the book is $49.99

My 3yo gave me a hug and said, “here is a flower just for you. I got it from the plastic tree you told me not to touch.”

[husband opening refrigerator]

Me: “What are you looking for?”

Him: “I don’t know, but I’m sure we don’t have it”

Pilot: Hi folks, I thought it’d be nice to speak to you out here instead of over the intercom. Unrelated, is anyone on board a locksmith?

My mom shared an old picture of my brother and I on FB today. Wanted to make sure Debbie knew what was up.

Twitter should have ” Throwing tomato” button.

Her: We can’t drive the car, it’s stuck in the mud… Doesn’t it help if you put something under the back tires?

Me: Are you volunteering?

trying a new Pudding recipe:
– Milk
– Eggs
– Proof
– Butter

It’s perfectly normal to shave your legs just from the top of your boots to the hem of your dress, right?

Whose idea was it to do this in 2020?? Archaeologists just opened a mummy tomb that’s been sealed for 2,500 years

Mattel is launching a new Twitter Barbie. She looks like a stunning hot blonde on the package but is an old fat guy when you open the box

Tell me a hiccup remedy that works, and why is it holding your breath until you see stars, passing out, waking up in a dark alley in Bangkok where you’re signing the life of your first born son over to the hiccup gods.

“Living well is the best revenge.”

Alexa, what is the second best revenge?

[infant diary]

Father has disappeared during a game of peek-a-boo. I fear the worst.

Lmao my first taste of adulthood was learning you had to actually pay for Microsoft office. I had be using it for free my whole life as a student. It didn’t even occur to me it cost money to have it at home

Golf fans be like “what’s your favorite club?”. It’s chicken, my dude, followed by soda

9 out of 7 people can’t do fractions

Every Field Has It’s Hero’s:

Music: Jimi Hendrix

Science: Albert Einstein

Business: Michael Scott

Ghost haunting my house: Okay, I’m just going to clean up your TINY, SHITTY, Apartment while you’re gone because I can’t not-live like this!