What are you talking about? My wife hates when I make her laugh. She said what attracted her to me was my complete lack of humor and total inability to have fun.
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A woman was charged with stalking after sending 65,000 text messages.
Which one of you was it?
No thanks, Cosmo. I already know 20 ways to drive my man crazy in the bedroom. Any room really. Unintentionally. I’m difficult to be with.
If Wile E. Coyote really wanted to destroy the Road Runner, he should have just proposed.
I just got back from a father and son fishing trip. I caught four fathers and nine sons.
Who called them varicose and not insane in the leg vein?
gotta say, i love living by the sword. i hope there are no consequences from this regarding how i ultimately die
5 is threatening Siri that he’s gonna turn off the iPad bc she’s not doing what he wants
[to the two wolves inside me]
do you need to go outside and go potty
Mistakes were made
“When does he start playing the mandolin?”
– me, watching The Mandalorian
cop: know why I pulled you over?
fortune teller: well let’s just see (flips over tarot card that shows a skeleton in a car doing 45 in a 35) ah frick
Danger is my middle name. My parents were idiots.
mcdonalds: may I take your order
cronus: I’ll have the kids meal
Twitter makes possible so many amazing things we couldn’t do before. Like trolling the Nazis:
“Do people really become like their pets?” I wonder, absentmindedly raising a leg above my head and staring into space.
things a whale might end an email with:
-i hope this email finds you whale
-best fishes
-may your days be full of peace and krillthings a whale probably wouldn’t end an email with:
-f*** y**
-you’re d*****t
-i am going to find and kill you
[airport security]
wife: *fidgeting with wedding ring*
me: *emptying my cargo shorts pockets*
tsa agent:
tsa agent: why so many gameboys
You never feel as old as when you’re scrolling down to find your birth year
“So, why do you want to be a veterinarian?”
[pictures an army of cyborg dogs with laser eyes and jet packs]
…I love to help animals.
Amazon should have “I was drunk” as an order cancellation option
Them: I’ll be right back
Me: That’s not necessary
“Dad, what should I do if a strange man in a white van with no windows offers me candy?”
“Make sure you grab me a Snickers and a Reese’s cup.
When I call you Hun, it’s short for Atilla.
You know people ask “how are you still single” to singles? It’d be funny if we started saying “how are you still married” to married people
My dad shouted “shut up idiots” to the cats.
I told him “You’re speaking English to a cat. You’re the idiot. You have to meow at them.”
“Expecto me to be there”
Harry Potter RSVPing to a party
A customer just told me that it takes a 14 mile run to work off 1 Oreo. Don’t worry she’s dead now
*Press Conference*
Physicist: We found gravitational waves near a black hole
Surfer: *raises hand* Wait dude, so can you carve on these bombs? Are they rippable
Physicist: Nah. Due to tidal forces near the event horizon these waves are extremely gnarly brah, like so aggro
My husband hates pickles so much he put consuming them in front of him as a dillbreaker in our pre-nup
I really love sarcasm.
It’s like punching people in the face but with words.