The way my kids use sunscreen they’ll never get a sunburn on their bathroom floor
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yelling “you’re not my real dad” is a faux pas
i love that kanye gets into very specific beefs with ppl i have to google but he’s nice enough to say both their first & last name
In France they call Mr. Bean Monsieur Legume
I asked my cousin why he eats the burger first and he’s like imagine I die whilst eating the chips
50% of parenting is saying “we’ve got food at home.”
If the head of CIA can’t even hide his own affair it’s pretty safe to say there were no aliens at Roswell and we really went to the moon.
[undercover FBI agent steps out of his surveillance van, knocks on my front door] do you ever stop eating?
I agree noisy knees. I SHOULD stay on the couch
[during sex]
me: hurt me
him *makes me a peanut butter sandwich using crunchy peanut butter*
I can hear every word you’re mumbling under the duct tape and yes, I will move in with you.
Hubs: * Hands me a broom* Make yourself useful
Me: Flies away
“Face my fears?” Lol what am I, brave?
ME: everyone except dave can go to the carnival
DAVE: hey no fair
ME: not for you, no
I wish I could replace my central nervous system with a central confidence system.
Saying goodbye to an old friend today. Thoughts and prayers appreciated. Goodbye, bra that stabbed me this week.
I hate when you get all excited bc someone says they had a dream about you and then you find out you were just there holding a clipboard
Kids don’t like it when you laugh at them after they step on their toys. Taking a video of it doesn’t help either.
If I had a dog I’d say “I have a bone to pick with you!” and then we’d go to PetSmart to pick a bone and we’d laugh & laugh & can dogs laugh
[accidentally calls teacher “mom”]
MY BRAIN: shit, play it cool. say something.
ME: what’s for dinner tonight
BRAIN: what
If you think I can be won over by a large Toblerone, then you, my friend, are correct.
In the theater
Me: Haven’t you ever seen someone stuff their bra before?
Him: Not with tater tots
*pause*
Gimme some.
The next time someone asks me my ethnicity I’m just going to say I come from a long line of pirates.
I hate killing bugs so instead I spend hours trying to get it in a cup so I can toss it outside after accidentally taking off 3 of its legs.
Five-word horror story:
“I’m going that way too”
My last relationship was so bad, it featured Pitbull.
*points at your toddler
So does it know any tricks yet?
My New Year’s resolution is to stop making so many typos.
Wish me lick.
“OH MY SWEET GOD BE CAREFUL. OH- OH MY DEAr LORD GOD. HOW? HOW??” -me watching gymnastics
I tell people I rearrange my furniture to change things up, but we all know it’s to annoy my husband