I agree noisy knees. I SHOULD stay on the couch
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Today, I went to the bathroom without my phone… there are 107 tiles on my floor
I enjoy a glass of wine each night for its health benefits.
The other glasses are for my witty comebacks and flawless dance moves…
Getting a nosebleed on your period is like a ketchup sachet bursting at both ends.
Why is it called taking a shit and not de-deucing?
You’ve been kidnapped. Your kidnappers allow you to keep tweeting to pretend everything is alright. What would you tweet that would alarm your followers without the kidnappers knowing you’re asking for help?
“And then I put in the exact amount of garlic the recipe called for.”
sleep paralysis demon: why are there so many cups in this room???
[prison riot]
me: here comes the tickle monster!!
[gets stabbed 100 times]
*Pops up out of your shower drain.
You really should look into a home security system. Let me tell you why ADT is right for you.
Drops a case of canned beer down the steps before bringing them to your BBQ
DATE: so this is my dad and this is his porcelain cat collection
ME: wow, I feel like I’m in a
DATE: no
ME: mewseum
DAD: *nods his approval*
I should have stayed in kindergarten.
If I ask “Where’s the remote?” & you say “Next to the TV,” you get a punch in the throat becuz THAT’S THE OPPOSITE OF WHY WE HAVE A REMOTE.
The doctor said I’m addicted to meat but I said surely it can’t do any ham?
None for me. I’ll eat when I’m dead
“You don’t understand how that saying works, do you?”
I’ll understand how the saying works when I’m dead
My Ponds Vanishing cream disappeared.
me: if you love someone set them free
boss: you’re a corrections officer. you’re not supposed to fall in love with the prisoners
me (releasing my 10th prisoner of the day): my bad
me: when… when… when!
life: *continues grating*
I’d never impersonate an Uber driver and show up at your house.
That would be crazy.
day 1 of quarantine: Today I will write the great American novel
day 32 of quarantine: Today I will marry my parakeet to my other parakeet
dad: You’re sitting at the kids table this Thanksgiving
me: Why?
dad: What’s a carburetor?
me: Uh
dad: Who’s SpongeBob’s best friend?
me: Patri- oh
if any of u nasty little cretins were even the least bit curious where i’m at right now i just tried to wipe a couple raindrops off my phone so they wouldn’t show up in a screenshot i was taking
We need a Disney princess who’s a greedy profiteer so we can cheer for the poison apple.
You’d be surprised how much of parenting is reminding your children not to eat soup with their hands.
Wait, Omicron isn’t the latest crypto currency?
HAMLET:*Draws sword* How now! a rat??
*stabs curtain*
LORD POLONIUS: O, I am slain! This is the w’rst game of hideth and seeketh ev’r *dies*
[SEXTING]
ME: tell me what you likeHER: I really get off on exhibitionism
ME: OK, cool, weird that museums turn you on but cool
This is joyous. Go to any YouTube video. Pause it. Click anywhere outside the video and then type 1980. Now defend yourself.
“I didn’t come here to argue.”
– people who definitely came to argue.
Every McDonald’s should have a flag they fly at half mast when the ice cream machine is broken
I asked my son what kind of cake he wanted for his birthday…
“A burger cake with ketchup frosting!!”
Meatloaf. He wants meatloaf…