Drops a case of canned beer down the steps before bringing them to your BBQ
You Might Also Like
Eating vegetables after a failed attempt at picking up your shirt with your toes.
*whispers* forlorn corn.
Coroner’s Report: “Victim noted a subtle mannerism shared by his wife and mother-in-law.”
My cat hissing at an empty chair is why I sleep in the attic.
Netflix documentaries convinced me I should be vegan. So I did what any American would do. I bought some bacon and canceled Netflix.
In my house “no” means keep doing it till mom loses her shit.
Every time I attend a wedding I try to get the DJ to play “The Monster Mash.” One time I took the bride’s phone and texted the DJ with it. Another time I claimed I was the bride’s brother and that it was a really important in-joke between the couple. I’m batting .700
Me: Could you have someone clean the third floor restroom?
Front desk clerk: There is no third floor restroom.
Me: There is now.
RoboCop: *about to arrest me*
Me: before you arrest me, which of these 9 pictures have cars in them
RoboCop: I’m going to let you off with a warning
bugs when you lift up a rock
flight attendant: sir, you can’t bring that cow manure on the plane
me: THIS IS BULLSHIT!
4: The baby has a lot of skin!
Me: I think he has a normal amount of skin…
4:
Me: ….definitely the right amount of skin for him….
4:
Me: Please don’t do anything to his skin.
Me: Are you mad at me?
Wife: Eventually.
You know that really private/embarrassing stuff you say to your girlfriend when no one else is around? Her friends know all that shit.
If a tree falls in a forest and doesn’t make a sound, maybe that’s where your kid should be practicing the piano
*goes to Costco to stock up*
*comes home with all the Doritos*
POLICE: Sir, do you know how fast you were going?
ME: Jealous much?
Arthur just couldn’t quite get used to working from home.
Star Wars films are like my wives – we don’t talk about the first 3
Don’t be fooled by American Airlines, it is just one airline
Friend: How long will it take you to recover from surgery?
Me: That depends on how long my husband is willing to cook, clean, and do the laundry.
HR: Do you want to sign up for 401k?
Me: Are you crazy? I can’t run that far!
Captain: relax, it’s just a title
Second Mate: WHAT DOES HE MEAN TO YOU
Want to get noticed? Go jogging without moving your arms.
I’m just gonna go ahead and change my boys names to “Stop making that stupid noise” and “Where are your shoes?”.
I only practice kegels so I can carry in another grocery bag when my hands are full
Me: Excuse me sir, can you please forward my X-ray and breast exam results to my doctor
Airport security:…
Of course divorce is expensive. The price of freedom has always been high.
[parent/teacher meeting]
“you must’ve read to him as a baby”
*leans forward in little desk* lady, I didn’t even know him when I was a baby
Him: You okay?
Me eating a tube of cookie dough like a banana: Yeah, why?
[getting out my vuvuzela] anyway here’s wonderwall