@ramblinma
@Swishergirl24 Plumber: you have hard water.
Me: you mean like ice?
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@Swishergirl24 
@DocBrown21 My next tattoo will be “helvetica” written in Arial. When a woman corrects me on it, I will marry her
@duumb [high school reunion]
me: u remember me skipping math class to see u
ex: aww yeah
me: [gets out pile of papers] now do my taxes
@AsgardianRose Being an adult means I’m in charge of my own bedtime, and I’ve realized I’m not equipped to handle that responsibility.
@Thuggedraccoon Microwaving fish is an office faux pas. I roast mine over an open flame in the bathroom
@Lisa_Laughs_ What makes you think I’m trying to poison you? Here, I made you this coffee. Its to die for. I mean its yummy!
@notfaizzy Spider-man never tweets via iPhone. He’s a web kinda guy.
@Pork_Chop_Hair Conference calls are fun because no one knows I’m really home with massive diarrhea.
Boss: For the third time, PLEASE put us on mute.
[hosting a kids show]
ME: ok everybody, what time is it?? say it loud!!
KIDS: OWL! TOUCHING! TIME!
[camera zooms in on a startled barn owl]
@AnkCoupleTO [Satan advising me on choosing the right career path] law school it is