[walks into gym with my sunglasses on]
WHATS UP LADIES
*takes off sunglasses*
damn it 3rd treadmill I’ve hit on this week
Him: You okay?
Me eating a tube of cookie dough like a banana: Yeah, why?
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[on the phone]
wife: My mom tripped over the dog
me: Is she ok?
me: Can I talk to her?
wife: Sure *calls for the dog*
landlord: your income needs to be 3x rent
me: can you tell my boss that
How to stay sober during #GOPDebate drinking games:
Take a shot every time someone tells the truth.
Working at a cheap mall store as a teen: “You may only carry a small clear bag that will be checked by security daily.”
Working at a bank: “Cool duffle bag!”
So after vacuuming with the new Dyson, I’m pleasantly surprised to learn that the carpet upstairs is actually hardwood.
What one thing may cause you to snap so that you could see yourself committing murder?
<At same time>
Husband: If anyone hurt my chil-
Me: Being forced to listen to jazz music — I mean, children. I’m going with the children thing.
the big fight.
i’m glad you trained me.
i’m glad i trained you.
My superpower is convincing my family I spent all day cleaning by lighting a few candles
Ask a man if he’s critiquing your work…
Men Who Are Dating say: No, & compliment you.
Single Men say: Yes
Married Men: Try to hide