Him: You okay?

Me eating a tube of cookie dough like a banana: Yeah, why?

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My next tattoo will be “helvetica” written in Arial. When a woman corrects me on it, I will marry her


[high school reunion]

me: u remember me skipping math class to see u
ex: aww yeah
me: [gets out pile of papers] now do my taxes


Being an adult means I’m in charge of my own bedtime, and I’ve realized I’m not equipped to handle that responsibility.


Microwaving fish is an office faux pas. I roast mine over an open flame in the bathroom


What makes you think I’m trying to poison you? Here, I made you this coffee. Its to die for. I mean its yummy!


Spider-man never tweets via iPhone. He’s a web kinda guy.


Conference calls are fun because no one knows I’m really home with massive diarrhea.

Boss: For the third time, PLEASE put us on mute.


[hosting a kids show]
ME: ok everybody, what time is it?? say it loud!!
[camera zooms in on a startled barn owl]


[Satan advising me on choosing the right career path] law school it is