@ramblinma

Him: You okay?

Me eating a tube of cookie dough like a banana: Yeah, why?

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@DocBrown21

My next tattoo will be “helvetica” written in Arial. When a woman corrects me on it, I will marry her

@duumb

[high school reunion]

me: u remember me skipping math class to see u
ex: aww yeah
me: [gets out pile of papers] now do my taxes

@AsgardianRose

Being an adult means I’m in charge of my own bedtime, and I’ve realized I’m not equipped to handle that responsibility.

@Thuggedraccoon

Microwaving fish is an office faux pas. I roast mine over an open flame in the bathroom

@Lisa_Laughs_

What makes you think I’m trying to poison you? Here, I made you this coffee. Its to die for. I mean its yummy!

@notfaizzy

Spider-man never tweets via iPhone. He’s a web kinda guy.

@Pork_Chop_Hair

Conference calls are fun because no one knows I’m really home with massive diarrhea.

Boss: For the third time, PLEASE put us on mute.

@

[hosting a kids show]
ME: ok everybody, what time is it?? say it loud!!
KIDS: OWL! TOUCHING! TIME!
[camera zooms in on a startled barn owl]

@AnkCoupleTO

[Satan advising me on choosing the right career path] law school it is