Him: You okay?
Me eating a tube of cookie dough like a banana: Yeah, why?
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There’s no such thing as “fair trade” honey. Those bees are gettin’ screwed.
So proud of my ancestors for crawling out of the sea and evolving lungs.
Pretty disappointed in them ever since though
Parallel parking reality show. Get on that.
First kid: All organic.
Second kid: Cupcakes aren’t for breakfast, now eat your coco puffs.
Third kid: Popcorn counts as a vegetable.
If I saw 99 red balloons go by I’d probably just round it up to a hundred when I was telling people about it.
Corgis are great when you want a wolf that’s a loaf of bread.
People say having no friends as a child is bad but if I did have friends back then I would never have invented the frisbeerang.
writer: it’s based on a book
movie producer: ok
writer: about a boy who lived
producer: *yawns* boring. all boys live. can u leave
writer: *starts walking* ok but there’s a grumpy wizard hat
producer: wait
WAITER: how would you like your eggs
ME: nogged
The life cycle of an unsuccessful business:
1. Under construction
2. Grand opening!
3. Temporarily closed
4. Open under new management!
5. Temporarily closed
6. Permanently closed
7. Spirit Halloween
“I hope they bought enough beer so they won’t notice how much I’m drinking”
-My prayer as I pull into my parents driveway
I put my shirt on like everyone else. How I get my pants on, however, involves a spatula and 8 monkeys with Navy SEAL-like precision.
When you say “You’re gonna hate me for this” you’re making an awfully large assumption that I don’t hate you already
If all the good ones are taken and you are single, what does that make you?
“people on the internet are so unhinged” no that’s just people in general, the internet is just how you find out
“Do you have any children?”
Hannibal: “Freezer. Bottom, right.”
Might get a Gatorade logo tattoo to symbolize my contempt for thirst.
When I get to somebody’s house, I text them, because knocking on doors is for poor people.
I hate it when a man uses me for sex and conversations and raising children and growing old together
If you can start the toilet paper roll without clawing it like a velociraptor then you’re a wizard.
I just heard some kind of young person on the radio reviewing a song, referring to “that old retro sound from about 2005”, so, if anyone needs me, I’ll be screaming into a pillow until some blood comes out.
Watched The Little Mermaid with my girl last night & realized that Aerial could be on an episode of Hoarders. : /
“It’s 3am and everyone is asleep. Must run into random rooms as fast as I can and jump on everything” – cats
Record breaking, visionary director Steven Spielberg: ‘Wanna play a dull, killed off screen character?’
Samuel L Jackson: ‘Sure’
Jesus only had 12 followers, also one sold him out to die and another unfollowed Him right before He died. So I guess I’m not doing too bad.
My eldest nephew is on the spectrum, and his one-liners are iconic.
My mom told him, “I’m disappointed in you.”
He looked at her and replied, “Well, let’s hope you get over that feeling by tomorrow.”
That was 5 days ago. She has yet to provide a proper reply LMFAO
Me: ooh baby do you know what that’s worth
Congregation: oooh heaven is a place on earth
Bishop: no
Hope my neighbors like my new pet howler monkeys
I hate reality shows. Like this one, for instance, called “The News.”